One Year

December 20th 2008

Quintin Henry
6:31pm
1 pound 1 ounce
12 inches long

and

Speedy Henry
6:36
1 pound 6 ounce
12 inches long

Entered and exited this world after one precious hour.

Who would have thought these little boys would be our first children? Small and helpless we held them and washed them with tears and kisses. My life stopped. I wanted to leave and enter heaven with them. In those moments and days after, I couldn't imagine tomorrow, let alone a whole year later.


Here we are, so full and happy, yet still alone. David and I took two days to spend together, we went to Boise and did some of our favorite things you can only do in the city. Mostly ate good food and shared lots of good lattes. We talked, I cried. We've been through a lot, and yet I honestly without the slightest lie can say it is well.

You can still have beauty and fulfillment inside of pain and uncertainty. We both still share the deepest of desires to be parents. I don't think either of us thought that a year later it would be just us still. It has given us time to talk and dream. Dance and cry, argue and love, meet new friends and learn about ourselves.

Through everything, there is really one very real, unexplainable and undeniable factor. This God we've always be spoken to about, we have felt him. We may have more questions than we've ever had, but one true piece that can't be taken away, it defeats the darkest doubts we may have. Our God is here, He always has been. I also know that when I am weak He is strong. We live in a world where, we should always be strong, in control of our emotions, our health, our finances, and so on. Strong and control are strange words. I believe that in order for God to truly give us the choice to love Him then He has released some of His control. Though He may have less control than we may believe, I don't believe he has less love. This love is greater than our simple minds can even imagine and partnered with His great love is His Spirit. Both we have tasted.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Here we are today...



(David said he didn't have a shirt on because it was warm inside; I have a scarf on because it's cold!)

A succession of many 1st anniversaries

Starting today and continuing for the next 4 weeks or so, we will celebrate and mourn again, through the one year anniversaries of many big moments for David and I.

Today, last year, we (or rather I) laid on a table with a large belly covered in sonogram jelly watching two little babies on a black and white monitor. I had no idea that every time the technician left the room, she was asking and telling the Dr. her concerns. We found out that our babies were ; Identical, boys, and diagnose with a life threatening condition Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After an hour or so the news was broken to us and shocked I looked at the floor. Having no idea what everything would look like, or what would be next, we were scheduled for a surgery in Seattle for four days later.

The drive home was long and teary. Things like this don't happen to people like us, I thought over and over. We are too young to experience loss, and our family is so big and so loving we need two babies so everyone can have their turn! So many things rushed through our minds.

We had dinner at Loren and Sue's (David's parents) with David's grandparents and my parents. We shared, cried and came up with a game plan. We went home, cried some more, packed our bags, and cried myself to sleep.

Tonight, at the moment, I don't have alot to say. I just cannot believe it has already been a full year since that day.

Tomorrow David and I are headed back to Boise to attend a memorial service put on by St. Lukes for families that have lost babies and children.

Thanks for thinking of us during this time of year. I don't anticipate it to be dark, or bad, just most likely more emotional than last month or the month before. These anniversaries are hard, but also pieces in the healing. So they are welcomed moments, even though they can hold only a few precious moments in a sea full of sadness.

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too beautiful to forget."

Feathers and Eggs

“All praise to you, Oh Lord, for all these brother and sister creatures.” [St. Francis of Assisi]

A New Day

"Whatever you can praise God for - will defeat the wedge of discouragement."

Something as simple and as magnificent as a warm home in the cold winter.

A dear sister who will come over and decoupage with me.

Beautiful friends that listen to me with their lives.

Strength and health that allows me work and to run.

The way creatures such as our dogs live in the moment.

My dearest companion that holds me and speaks gently to me on a hard day, the one I call my husband.

For the way doubt only confirms your deepest desire to trust.

And for a new day.

More Disappointment

Disappointment hurts and it is no fun. Simple enough. I don't like crying either. I look old and puffy and then my contacts get dry and stick to my eyes. Plus all the blowing of my nose make me look like Rudolph.

All that is exhausting, physically and emotionally as well. We waited and waited, I carried my phone around for two hours after 11am yesterday morning. When the phone finally rang at 12:45 I figured we had waited for good news. Within 3 seconds my heart sank, I was strong enough to hear what our social worker had said, then she started crying. Somehow we weren't chosen. It doesn't make sense. Worse it feels like a rejection of us. It never seems to help even if "they liked us" or "thought we were a wonderful family". That just seems like mindless background noise.

Why is it so draining to adopt? Why do they make it sound like there are so many children waiting and waiting to find their families when good families are turned away? Time and time again. Is it a broken system? Are there more families then children? I mean these seem like rhetorical questions. Deep down I know the answers.

Do I want to do this again? How many more times can I invest weeks into calling social workers, foster moms, hearing the little ones on the phone, looking at photos, reading files, filling paper work on why we feel we are the right family, calling Early Intervention, researching books on attachment disorder, reading up on affects of alcohol and drugs in utero. I'm exhausted. I've learned so much, but I want to use what I've learned. I want to give myself to a little one and I want to feel that David and I are good enough to invest in the life of someone else.

I don't want to be that person that never has good news. I feel like for a long time now, I just let people down. We don't have exciting news of new life, but only let down hopes and expired anticipations. I want people to be excited for us without worrying that we are going to get hurt again. I don't want to see my mom cry. I don't want to cry anymore.

Are we stupid for doing this to ourselves? We have good reason, and feel that this is what Christ would do. Wanting a family shouldn't feel like a bad thing either. Are we going to loose the support of our friends and family if they see me upset for a day or two? If we want to keep going, will people understand?

Just a Quick Update

Tomorrow is the day! At 9am our committee starts and by noon we will know if we were selected to be the parents of these two little boys! I'm so nervous, and completely okay at the same time. Ok, maybe completely is a small exaggeration, but we know whatever happens will be just right. Even though we REALLY want these guys! Ok, I think you get the picture... so just keep us in your thoughts! I'll let you know after we find out.

Thanks!

Here we go again...

So, when you think you are planning for life to go a certain way, remember, at a moments notice, all that can change. For example, let me tell you a story.

6 years ago, I was a fairly typical girl in high school. Looking forward to flying the coop, I had been sending away for college applications since my freshman year. Studying abroad was all I could think about.

With a school all picked out 5000 miles from home and an excitement to see the world, I met a boy.


Though I didn't go off to the school I planned on attending, together with the love of my life, I've seen more then I ever dreamed of seeing. I've traveled to more countries, taken more road trips, and taken the photos I thought I'd have to wait a life time to take.



Some days not know what we'd do next, we finished our degree's at Portland State University.
Then we moved "back home". A place that at one point I can remember saying that "I'd never live there". Funny thing when we have to eat our words.

As a young woman, I didn't know the heart-ache that would follow the indescribable excitement of becoming pregnant. A labor and birth that would leave us with aching hearts and empty arms. A year following full of healing and recovery.


Life and her lessons have made us who we are. For that, I don't believe I would change anything.

Now, here we are, working through an adoption process that seems impossible some days. We were selected again last week for two brothers. We don't know when we will go to committee yet. It seems like such a long wait just to hear if we will get selected. Even then, we have to go up against two other families, and the committee chooses one to be the forever family. We have already been here once. Waiting to hear the news. At the decision of a committee, we may or may not have finished our wait. How does one wait for something without it consuming your thoughts? I constantly find myself drifting of to the land of "What IF"...

Okay it is difficult, but we manage. And hey, good things are worth waiting for right? So round two here we come. I can't help but cross my fingers, but I know things are out of our hands. Be anxious for nothing...

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!



P.S. Please don't feel bad if you didn't know yet, we've only told our parents. We still don't know enough details to call everyone yet!

Time Flies!

Time flies when you're having fun! Having fun AND working, right?

Man, I just can't believe it is the end of October already. I have so many things to catch you up on here at the ol' blog.

I've been very, very busy and enjoying everything, but I am getting ready to slow down a bit.

It all began when I;

Started canning
Coaching Cross Country @ the high school
Redecorating my house (or decorating for the first time since we moved a year ago)
Cleaning closets
Taking a painting class
Taking a pottery class
Winterizing my yard
Running Alyssa Henry Photography almost full time
Trying new recipes
AND...barely maintaining a clean house


Need I say more? SO, I apologize once again for my absence...if any of you are left.

I will return once I've had a sound nights sleep and fill you all in on the Happenings of the Henry Home!

XOXOXO



Here is a photo from the warmer days of this summer.

Hold Dear

A Hand to Hold

Sometimes we all need a hand to hold. A sister to hug. A story to tell. A meal to share. A laugh to be had. A beach to walk. And a FAMILY to LoVe.

Thanks to all for such a wonderful weekend.


*Note: Grandma, Chanelle and Valerie also spent the weekend with us. I just took my camera on the beach for a morning while they weren't with us. Next time we will make sure everyone is pictured!



Precious little Lydia with our sweet cousin Aimee.

Up before the chickens

I'm having a very proud moment...I am actually awake before our chickens! Sorry, it is silly I know, but in 6 months they are always up before me, I just wonder how the little ladies do it! (I do have an advantage now that it is still black outside at 6am and not 4am.)

I think it is good for the soul to get up extra early some days, good for the body to sleep in other days! I have lots of work to do, so I got up drove through Coffee Corral, said hi to Kris, very sweet lady, got my coffee, and now time to work!

Here are a few pics for the day....


Currently drinking; Hot Americano, little Irish Cream, and a splash of Half and Half...mmmmmmm.



A few days ago my sister Lianna and her beautiful baby girl, Lydia came to say hello!


After a very long day at the computer, I got a little silly and thought I should document how I was feeling about being up so late, and still editing pictures! Some days I get cranky when I sit, staring at the computer monitor sorting and editing pictures, then other days I just get plain silly!


Have a great day! Thanks for reading!

The Cost to Consider

*This has been sitting on my browser open for two days now, unpublished. I've been busy, and not sure this whole thing makes any sense. Sorry.

We've been driving through life in the fast lane it seems. The Henry house hold is always on the go, and if we aren't on the go, then I am busy brewing up something around the house. We are trying to eat all the wonderful veggies out of the garden before the frost hits which means lots of good dinners, but alot of time being spent in the kitchen as well. I love cooking, I just don't like to clean up after. I've also been busy, busy with Senior Portraits, but it is just a seasonal thing, so it won't last forever. (Check out www.alyssahenry.blogspot.com if you'd like to see what I've been working on.)

I go back and forth about being so busy. In many ways I don't mind it at all. I'm being productive and active, meeting lots of people. When I go to bed at night I fall asleep very fast. Plus it seems at times to help all the waiting with the adoption process to go quickly. Yet that is just it; we have no idea how long we will be waiting, so how do I know if being busy helps the time pass?

I was feeling pretty discouraged today about the whole adoption process. Sometimes it just feels like we are constantly waiting for something that we have no idea how long it will take. Then it seems exciting when you submit your home-study for a child, and yet sad at the same time because you don't know if you will even be considered. I know I am kind of complaining, I'm processing also. I think the tough part is knowing how many children are waiting and not knowing when we will be matched with our child. The other piece of this roller coaster is that you have to actually imagine yourself parenting the child(ren) that you apply for. So to mentally and emotionally put yourself out there long enough to see it being something you can do, sets you up potentially to be disappointed and discouraged every time you aren't called back.

I was slightly sulking today when I read "But the path ahead still demands walking in trust, risk, and various degrees of darkness. Henceforth, you will remember in the darkness what you once experienced in the light. But the path ahead will always be a necessary mixture of darkness and light." I have to remember this, not only about the adoption process, but about life in general. When things that we "see" for ourselves don't happen in our timing, there is nothing we can do but remember things work out. I don't have major philosophical answers, but really just a small sliver of hope. Faith, not necessarily in knowing I'll get what I want, but a faith that there is purpose in all of this. I'm unsure in what that is, and I'm not even saying everything happens for a reason, but rather, we can find purpose once we've gone through something. "Faith is often clarified and joy-filled hindsight—after we have experienced our experiences"

Anyway I'll stop my ramblings...for now.

I thought I would share a clip that I watched on www.crazyforkids.blogspot.com . It made some of the seemingly endless waiting feel like it is worth something, someday.

The World is Waiting

"Don't just go through life, grow through life. Don't just be good, be good for something and someone. Goodness heightens beauty. Become who you are, who you were meant to be. Seek out knowledge and experience, the more we see,the more we are capable of seeing. The more we do, the more we are capable of doing.

If you want chance, begin it. If you want love, give it. If you want hope, embody it. Start immediately and do it flamboyantly. Once you've begun, don't turn back. Change and growth can be painful and challenging at times, but as Lauren Bond said, "Every flower has to go through a lot of dirt."

Life is about choices, growth and taking chances. It is about pushing through and moving forward. It is about loving courageously and not holding back. It is about finding a brighter, better way. You owe it to yourself and to the world to make the most out of the stuff that's in you.

Bloom into your incredibly, gloriously, brilliantly beautiful self. The world is waiting. "


I'll admit, I wish I had written this. I borrowed it out of a book my sister had on her coffee table. Though I didn't write it, it spoke into words, feelings I had hiding deep inside of myself. The world is full of sadness, and mediocrity (the condition of being mediocre). This is LIFE! It must be lived to the full, for the health of ourselves and our fellow kind.

I don't believe in a world of confusion and chaos. Though both are present, I believe in an order created by love, a love greater then we allow ourselves to experience most days. It certainly cannot be felt through our actions of pride or blowing our own horn. This love is not present when we demand our own way or when we keep track of all the times that some has offended us or irritated us. There is no trace of this love when we find satisfaction in someone else shortcoming or in their failures, nor is it found when injustice is present. This ordering around love is very foreign to our own self-furthering desires. It is also very absent when we look at the governments around our world, none order themselves around this kind of policy. No wonder our world is full of people only willing to go halfway in life. I believe "half" is easy to live because it only includes ME. A full life would be one that includes the "other" within their life. Does this make sense?

IF we dared to live beyond ourselves, we may get hurt. We might bleed, weep or be misunderstood. But, we might feel. We may experience deep compassion, great joy and even this unexplainable love. "A love that never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
The world is waiting.




-I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Mother Teresa

*Patience

Sorry people, I should know better than to blog after a long day. Thank you for not judging my spelling skills. I have now corrected the spelling error! Read on.

The Journey

I thought I should post something about how our committee went yesterday. We were not selected for the two children we had applied for. Sad, but okay. I was hoping we would not be devastated if we were not chosen and it is nice to know that life is continuing as it did the day before. Of course we are disappointed, but trust there is a little life out there waiting to meet with ours. *Happy note, two beautiful children got their forever family, and that is what needed to take place.

So, we are back to square one. Waiting.

My dad and I were talking last night while I cut his hair in their backyard, and he said something wise, as usual. It went something like this "patience can stick it", or "patience sucks" something like that. This made us both laugh, since this is coming from a man who has waited almost 2 years to sell his home and finally feel settled. We all know the housing market is tough on anyone looking to sell a home at the moment. Well anyway, patience is a virtue, so I've been told. Not something easy in our fast paced, consumer driven, instant gratification world.

Here are some pictures from the wedding David and I got to enjoy last weekend. Beautiful setting and very loved family! Thanks mom for watching all of our dogs and watering our garden so we could go!



David and I after a long day of taking pictures.

Ashley, Davids cousin, and I.

The view from the reception balcony.



I Almost forgot!!!! HoW COulD I?!?! I am a new auntie to the most beautiful little girl!!!! I was still in San Diego when my sister Lianna gave birth. I could barely stand the text saying "pushing" and the picture texts were wonderful but I was bursting at the seams to get home. Finally, at 9pm we drove our tired little bodies into the hospital parking lot Monday night. I got to hold my one day old niece who is a beautiful blend of both Lianna and Barry. As I'm sure you can imagine, I can't wait to take some photos. Here is one I snapped of the new daddy, before they brought little Lydia Mae home.

Good morning Boise, Reno, San Diego

Today David and I fly out for a very dear cousins wedding. An extended weekend celebrating the union of man and wife with loved friends and family. I really can't think of a better way to spend the next few days as we wait the verdict of committee on the adoptive children. I have to tell you a very moving story as we wait to board this plane. I had a chance to talk to the foster mother of these two children a few nights ago. The woman is single and in her late fifties. She started foster care when she heard about these two siblings who needed to be reunited. Two years ago she took in these little ones and spends her energy at the pool and riding bikes with these kiddos. When I asked her how she felt about the adoption process, she said it was going to be very hard on her. She said If she was thinking about herself it would be easy, she would adopt them. Putting the children before herself she wants two parents for them and knows that her own age would in time hinder her from caring for them. Even though so much of this process has been about us and now how we have to be careful about our emotions as time gets near. It really hit me how many more people are really invested in these kids. No matter who gets to parent them, recognizing all the people along the way that have helped these little ones is so important .




Later: we are here in San Diego now. Beautiful weather. When I get a chance I'll have to post.a few pictures of David entertaining his cousins kids while we waited 2 hours to rent a car.

Today calls for a post

I cannot get my laptop to connect to the internet so I am blogging from my desktop in the living room when I'd rather be in bed with my laptop. Long story short, I won't be typing as long since I'm not next to my now sleeping husband.

I was talking to my mom today, it is her birthday, about many things, blogging happen to be one of them. She was my biggest blogging fan, I think I can say that with confidence. She would read as soon as I posted, so it seemed. Now, I have to win her back since I have been so delinquent on posting my thoughts, fears, hopes, and moments of my day. I miss it, and I think she might too. Moms are good for alot of things. So a toast to moms, and a toast to the moments I vow to take and reflect on the good and the not so good.

Moms are also good to talk to if you need to let out some stored tears. Usually their tears fall first, signaling that it is safe for yours to fall as well. I wanted somebody to remember that it was today last year that I found out I was pregnant. I was alone in my bathroom shaking with excitement as I peed on 5 pregnancy tests because I didn't believe the first 4. David and I had just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and I had awaited this pregnancy patiently until the right time came. I was ecstatic. I wrapped up the positive stick in birthday wrap and rushed to my moms work (after I called David of course). I handed her the little blue stick and we both started crying. I was so happy, and so was she. I couldn't think of a better way to spend her birthday. I got butterflies in my stomach all day when I thought about what was growing inside of me. (I'm crying now as I think back to that innocence. In the beginning of this last year I never thought I would experience what we have been through. Crying because of that deep sense of anticipation and excitement now replaced by a very real sense of absence and loss.) So much excitement, and that I wouldn't change.

A year later here we are doing well, very happy and full despite the very big loss. In some ways though, we have gained. Gained insight and understanding to a world of people who have walked this road. We have gained a value and respect of the human life in its frailness. We have gained new friends and people we will never forget. And yes, we gained two beautiful baby boys that we held for so short a night. Their presence though different than most children, I feel it every now and then, and it brings no tears, just a happy and very content smile.

A year later we are still thinking about a family, and what it will look like. Yes most of you know we gained a garden and 6 hens, along with the 4 dogs, but we are still partial to the human kind. I haven't wanted to talk about this on my blog, and maybe that is why I haven't blogged much. It just isn't the same when you don't get to talk to people in person, and the people don't get to hear your thoughts and processes along the way, but it is time to spill and let my blog readers (if I have any left) in on our plans. We have finished the last piece of our adoption process and have been selected for committee next week. Ok! That was really hard to type out. I'm not sure why because most of my readers already know this. For those of you just tuning in, we have processed much and after much thought decided to take our desire for adoption from "someday" to today. We are hoping we get chosen out of the 3 families selected but that is just a hope and we have to be okay with getting denied and moving forward in the next process. Today marks another exciting and unrevealed piece of our future. Since I have spilled the beans on that piece of our journey I can feel more free to write about more of the process.

Lastly a year later, we have been married 5 years now (not to the day, but last week was our anniversary). We enjoyed competing in our first triathlon together in Boise, then spent the rest of the weekend relaxing at our grandparents cabin and a quaint bed and breakfast in downtown. To the man I love more than mashed potatoes and gravy, thank you. Thank you for being my friend when I am really unlovable and rude. Thank you for believing in me when I don't believe in myself. Thank you for carrying me through such tragedy. Thank you for digging and digging and raking and digging with me to put in our beautiful garden and fruit trees. Thank you for getting me out of bed on the hard days. Thank you for laughing with me and even at me when I am silly. Thank you for standing next to me, making me feel like your equal, your partner, your other half. Thank you for holding my hand as we look into our future and learn from our past. To you I wish, I could only make your life half as wonderful as you have made mine. Forever and always.

Blog?

WoW! Where has all the summer days gone?! I can't believe how caught up I've been in this and that. I have so much to blog about! So, stay tuned and I promise to write very soon!

A Strange Paradox

"...And to be drawn into that relationship is to surrender to the Father, to receive the Spirit, and to know Jesus. It is giving myself away completely, and receiving back infinitely more than the little that I gave away.

The highest form of self-possession is the capacity to give myself away. It is the highest form of freedom; it is the perfect act of freedom."

Breathe.

The capacity to give myself away.

What does this truly mean? How do I do this in purest form and motive, expecting nothing in return?

Last night I was thinking about something Jesus said "If you want to follow me...you must pick up your cross and follow me." When Jesus said this, the cross had yet to happen. We have the privileged to know the full story but at the time the disciples had not yet witnessed what the cross would ultimately become. Often I've thought of the cross as similar to a burden. Though a burden it would be, it is much more of a mandate. Ever wonder why Jesus didn't say "put your sandals on and follow me" or "sell your home and follow me"? Why did he use a sign of death? "If you want to follow Me, you must deny yourself of the things you think you want." This way of Christ is one much different than the way of our consumer/ME culture.

What does it look like to die and yet live? What a strange paradox.

The capacity to give myself away.

Here are a few photos from recently...We've been spending time with our dogs out and about. We have also finished our chicken coop (Matt, it has been raining, but I'll see what photos I can get). We've had lots of family in town. So coming soon will be some photos of my sisters graduation, garden, chicken coop, family, dogs and maybe one of David and I.

We are doing well. Staying busy with productive projects and taking time here and there to enjoy some biking and friends. It is strange how quickly time has gone by. I was talking to David last night about this. I've had a few mixed emotions recently about life and our activities. Every once in a while I get hit, (as sudden as a bee sting when you're enjoying a picnic) I'll stop what I'm doing and think, there is no way I'd be doing this right now if the boys would have made it. Then I have a choice to make, choke back the tears and realize I am making the very best of things, or let the tears roll out and still make the best of things. For any of you who have lost little ones, I think you understand what I'm trying to say. There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing, it is just the thought that I'd rather be doing something else, like care after my children. This probably sounds like a bunch of gibberish, but I'm sure someone knows what I'm trying to get at. Those thoughts aren't too often, but they do pop in and out of my mind every now and then.
It feels good to get that out. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to talk about my loss still. I feel like others have already heard it and expect that since I'm happy and living life that I'm done processing. I think for the most part that is just my insecurity, no one has actually made me feel that way. I guess I fear that someone will think, "She's still talking about babies?". So, that's what I've been spinning through the ol mind lately. Well, more than that, but that's all I'm writing about for now.

David and I are going to make sauce pans and play Monkey Ball @ his parents house... Good rainy day activities.

One last thing, I'd like to wish the two love birds in the picture below a very happy 50th wedding anniversary today. Grandma and Grandpa Henry, we love you very much.

MIA

I've been neglecting a few things lately and blogging has been one of them. Last week I was super busy, but this week I haven't had internet! Stay tuned, for those of you who are still here! My plan for today is take some photos of our garden and chickens and post them...so check back soon, I have lots to write about.

Diggin' in the Dirt

Hello-

Not much going on here, just lots of planting and playing in the dirt. I'm staying busy and enjoying the sun.

This last weekend I helped a friend take team photos at a golf tournament that she and her husband put on with support from our community. They do the event in memory of their boy Matthew David Long who died after 7 weeks of life. He was born with Down Syndrome and had a weak heart that required intensive surgery. It was beautiful to be apart of their day that they spend every year raising support for other families that find themselves in similar shoes, but it was beautiful to be in the sun, with 30 golfing teams playing in memory of my friends son. Of course we would never ask, or want the course to have gone this way, but there are days when all seems right.

Thank you Jen and Mike for your beautiful lives, and for opening your hearts to those around you. May God bless you richly.

Mothers Day and Other Things

Once again I've slacked off with my blogging...When the weather is nice you have to take advantage of it and be outside! I haven't gone far, just to my yard, but I've been spending hours outside working and I'm loving it! Here a few things we've been up to...

A chicken coop for our lovely ladies...




Some gardening and flower beds...




Of course some playing... in the yard


...and at my brothers baseball game.


Have I ever said how much I love dogs?



-Mothers Day-
Sunday we spent the whole day working outside. It was really a therapeutic way to end a hectic week. I think digging in the dirt was also the perfect way to spend my first Mothers Day without our boys. I had lots of time to think to myself and to use up some energy. I will admit that throughout the day some tears did fill my eyes. I'm sure there will always be days throughout the rest of my years that a few tears will find their way to my cheeks. At first I was thinking about how I am a mother without children to nurture; but then I started to think of all the children, local and abroad that have no mother to nurture them. Then a few more tears slipped out. It is overwhelming to think of the orphan in his lonely state. For I know what it is like to be a mother without a child, but never have I been a child without a mother.


One night last week we needed to get out of the neighborhood for some fresh scenery. So we took a drive out to Philips lake and watch the light leave the sky. It was a perect end to the day.

Dear Friends

My Friends, what a beautiful day. The sun has shown her beauty! At times I can't help but think what a long winter it was, not only for our circumstances, but the weather was also less than lovely.

Today I wanted to post in gratitude to you. I (and we) would not be where we are today if it were not for the gracious love you have showered down upon us. Again and again, over and over you have loved us. Your prayers whispered for us and your hugs given to us, thank you. There is great healing in knowing you have been here with us. I know there are many of you who I haven't had the chance to meet, but thank you for the moments you spent with us in mind. Thank you.

May we learn from you how to comfort one another in need.

A Tale of Two Tiny Twins

Today an article came out in the Baker City Herald about our journey through the loss of our boys. (Here's the article if you'd like to read it. http://www.bakercityherald.com/Local-News/A-Tale-of-Two-Tiny-Twins.) At 23 weeks in my pregnancy they were born prematurely because of the development of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. (For more about this disease of the placenta visit tttsfoundation.org) The article was done to correspond with this weekends March for Babies here in Baker City. March for Dimes Foundation works towards research and education to further healthy pregnancies.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

A photo done by Allen Ansel a NILMDTS photographer
My hands with both boys

"Pregnancy: The state of being with child. [British Medical Dictionary] The beginning of a parent's hopes and dreams. The anticipation of the pitter patter of tiny little feet. A family being born unto each other. No parent ever expects their dream to shatter. But sadly, sometimes this dream can turn into a nightmare.

Each year nearly 3.3 million babies are stillborn, and more than 4 million others die within 28 days of coming into the world. [World Health Organization] With advanced medical technology, it is a parents expectation that those born unto us will out live us. When a baby dies, it is outside the natural order of life and families are left devastated and forever changed.

Every living being instinctually knows how to grieve. It is learning how to heal, that some need help with. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.

Remembrance Photography is a very important step in this healing process. Photographs are one of the most precious and tangible mementos that a parent can have, showing the love and bond that was given and shared with their baby. These portraits will last for generations, and will honor and remember a tiny life that is forever loved and cherished."

I wanted to share this with all of you. I took this off of NILMDTS website. A wonderful photographer, Allen Ansel, came late on call that Saturday night back in December to be an angel to our family as we now have pictures to cherish forever. Be sure and have tissue handy if you check out their website www.nilmdts.com . What a beautiful tribute to all the short precious lives that have touched many.

Recently

Life at the Henry house has been hopping for the last few weeks. I always have to remember to slow down and take some quiet time to reflect and as a college classmate would said "marinate" in what is happening around me. Having lunch today with good friend was the time to remember and remind each other of things we already know, but our lives and duties can, at times, overwhelm the beauty of our journeys. As we both talked about our joys and frustrations of schedules and duties, it was good to hear that what I do on a day to day basis is not the thing that defines me, it is who I am on a day to day basis that truly matters. This reminds me of what Richard Rohr says about pain and what he calls "shadows" in life... He says we all have two choices of how we deal with pain, suffering or hardships; it can either transform us, or we transmit it upon others. I have to remember this not only about the big things in life that I've experienced but also about the small stresses that I so easily transmit upon others.

Through a rabbi - trail - sort- of way... this reminds me of our trip to the monastery that we stayed in while we were in Arizona. For those of you joining this blog more recently, David and I took a trip South about 5 weeks ago and did a short pilgrimage among other things. Though I struggled with some of the concepts and ideals of seclusion and complete simplicity of every entity of their lives, there is much that I still have to learn from the munks. The time they devout to pray and quiet reflection is quite shocking in our loud, busy, rushed, cultural inundated lives. Some days I don't even spend 10 minutes in quiet. This must change. I've been so busy, and though I am getting quite a few things accomplished, I've also gained a bad attitude, or a quick fuse, due to the rushed nature of my days. Nothing major really, but as my teacher friend gives a "refocus" to her disruptive students, it looks like I need to give myself a little "refocus"!

Since I brought up our trip at the monastery, here are a few photos from our time there. They believe in a simplicity and humility in dress, so respecting their desire to keep the monastery a place of self denial and modesty, I'm dressed the way I am in the photo. Again, something I believe we can learn from and respect. There is great freedom, though I would have thought contrary initially, about not thinking about what to wear. There is no need to make any statements, good or bad, with clothing and outward appearance.

April 18th

Its a date that you repeat over and over again, to friends, family and strangers. Especially as the time nears, people will just ask you for the date with no other intention of continuing the conversation. If you've ever been pregnant and start to show your baby bump, you know what I'm talking about. The checker at the grocery store, the barista in the coffee shop, the clerk at the bank, aunts, uncles, friends... "When's your due date?" When you're growing something very precious inside of you, everyone wants to know when it will come out. Then the next thing is everyone with a birthday around that time will make silly requests that you have your baby on their birthday. It's fun, and if it's your first baby, you hope everyone will notice and ask you. It is fun to talk about the little one inside you anytime others want to listen.

This April was exciting for us as my sister turns 18 next week and David's grandpa turned 70 yesterday. The thought of bringing new lives into the world around such happy, meaningful dates brought us joy.

Though today was our expected due date of new life and their lives ended quickly almost four months ago, I can still say I was filled with much joy today. In different ways of course, and if I could change pieces of my last four months, I would; but you know, today was much more beautiful and pain free than I expected.

I didn't expect people to remember the significance of today. I was okay knowing this was my day in my heart and not having it be well known. Last night before I went to bed, I got a note from our cousin saying that she was thinking of me and of tomorrow. Her kindness in remembering brought tears and great comfort knowing their little lives were remembered by someone. Today I never felt sadness, only contentment and the only tears that came were because the kindness of others. David's aunt, Tami had this necklace made for me. It meant so much to me that I think a few tears spilled out.


David's mom also brought me beautiful tulips and a hug. For those of you who sent me messages today also, Thank you. There is strong comfort in the recognition of our loss and to know you empathize with us. We have felt your love in abundance.

Why are words so limiting?

I knew it would happen sooner or later and I tried to rehears in my head what I would say. Though nothing sounded quite right in my head, it sounded even more strange out loud. It was a question that I thought I wouldn't mind answering. Now I'm not so sure why.

"Do you have children?" he asked. "Uh" was all my brain was saying, but my mouth spurted out that we had lost our twins boys at Christmas time. Then I got the "Oh I am so sorry..." . Regret. I shouldn't have said anything. But then to say nothing would feel like I am denying that I have held two sons in my arms as they breathed their last. This is something I never want to deny or ignore, and yet, do I want to share it with everyone? I don't know...

A New Week, Fresh Rain

I haven't been very good about writing this last week, as you can see. I have a lot to write about, but I just haven't sat down to empty my brain. Maybe I can get a few words out before I need to head off to work. I've been staying busy working at Mad Matildas Coffee House, and the Food Co-Op this and last week. We also have had two weekends full of family visiting from out of town. It has been really wonderful. I hope you each have had a wonderful Easter weekend.

David and I went to church with his family on Easter morning. On the way to the church we enjoyed the morning air while on our bikes. I felt content. What a feeling we all strive for. We sat down and enjoyed the Easter service. Every now and then my mind drifts off to a place that wonders if the boys would have made it, if I would be doing whatever it is that I am currently doing. Or would we be happy and tired at home feeding and holding our babies. I can't live in this place of "what ifs" but sometimes my mind just goes there on its own. So, Easter morning I went "there" and wondered if all four of us would have made it to church. Aw! Why do I do this to myself!? Obviously this question doesn't even matter, but I'm sure there must be a natural piece to wondering about how life would have been. Especially during the holidays, with loved family and friends all around us. That feeling of contentment was slipping away... I closed my eyes. God, I said under my breath. I don't want to feel the pain right now. I'm okay. The service was coming to a close. At the end a movie started to play and I thought maybe it was a clip of The Christ, or some other classic Easter/Resurrection clip. Then I realized it was a memorial video of loved people that have passed away. I saw Steve Adams name, and though I never knew him, my heart hurt for his children. Aj Noble, another person I never got to meet, but I can't image the pain his parents have gone through. Then I saw two names I never thought I'd see. Quintin and Speedy Henry. How the tears pour out. I can't tell you what it feels like to see your childrens name recognized among the dead. There are no words. Just tears. I also saw Matthew Long, a friends baby boy who died after his 7th week of life. I know there are you who know this pain, and for that, there is some comfort knowing that I am not alone. As David and I were hugged after the service and the tears wouldn't stop. I must have been embarrassed because I was laughing while I was crying. We got on our bikes to head home. As we were riding David said "You know, seeing their names in the memorial made it feel so final. Yet, somewhere inside I could say, It is well with my soul..." I felt it... I was still content.


Michelle, Lianna and Me

Letting Go, not forgetting

So much of my healing has come through being able to write and share about what David and I have gone through recently. I guess I have found power in telling my story. By power I mean the healing power of community. There is something beautiful in sharing our story and hearing yours. Thank you for reading and thank you for the healing you have given us.

Fewer and fewer tears have been spilling out recently. Though my heart feels the boys often and my arms feel the absence of their bodies, my eyes have gotten a break from the floods of water. Slowly, resolve in being able to release things has brought freedom to hold babies, hold baby clothes and I even went to a baby shower this week.

I always have hated the phrase "letting go". Something about it makes me feel uneasy, almost as if "letting go" is forgetting. I still don't like the words, but I am starting to form the understanding of "letting go".
To me it has meant ;

1. Realizing that my clutch on life was a false one. No matter how tightly I've held things, I really am not the one that has control. Beauty must be found in moments that I am able to experience, not in ownership or possession.

2. No matter how "good" I am, or how hard I've tried or worked, sorrow and suffering are pieces of this life, not punishment for what I've done.

3. Suffering is not necessarily evil, though I understand that many of the things that produce suffering come from evil; violence, hate, war, abuse, etc. But in the middle of our suffering there has been so much love. To go through such pain does not mean that evil is in our midst, quite the contrary.

3. Death. I'm still working on this one. (Sigh) Though it comes much earlier that we are ever ready for, we can't think of it represented by the grim reaper or darkness. Though I don't like it, it should not be feared.

4. This is one thing I know for sure, God is not in the sky.

5. The person I have become in the last few months is different. Though I don't comfort the thought of pain throughout my life, I do not want to lose this sensitivity. I pray that I can see life through these eyes I now have in this moment of loss. (Don't get me wrong, I still get cranky, fussy, and harsh at times, but the lens that I now see things through has changed.)

6. Pictures and memories. Though there is some pain in each, I am seeing so much beauty that I missed. Something that had brought me so much joy and fulfillment suddenly brought pain. Recently a small smile has replaced flooding eyes. Living in the joy again is my journey.




This is my story, this is my song.

Real Quick

My sister, Chanelle, is visiting from Portland this week. My dad picked her up in his truck to take her for a ride and I thought this picture was so cute. So I wanted to post it.

Spring?

Hello, I haven't posted for a few days since I have a house full of very loved ladies! My Aunt, cousin and sister are all visiting during their spring break. We've been having a great time watching home videos, drinking too much coffee, eating good foods and laughing our heads off. Poor David.

We have added to our family, over night, by six nonetheless! We are now two humans, four dogs and 6 chicks! In about 4 months we will have fresh eggs and a whole lot of chicken manure for our garden! (I just realized I used an exclamation mark for the last three sentences, can you tell I'm excited?)

Here are some photos of the new fam as well as our developing garden boxes. It isn't quite warm enough to start planting, but I have the seedlings in the garage staying toasty until Spring hits the valley.

This is what our little ladies came home in


We have 2 Rhode Island Reds

2 cute Barred Rocks

This little gal is a Black Australorp


The backyard in progress

The novice at work


Someday...