Today calls for a post

I cannot get my laptop to connect to the internet so I am blogging from my desktop in the living room when I'd rather be in bed with my laptop. Long story short, I won't be typing as long since I'm not next to my now sleeping husband.

I was talking to my mom today, it is her birthday, about many things, blogging happen to be one of them. She was my biggest blogging fan, I think I can say that with confidence. She would read as soon as I posted, so it seemed. Now, I have to win her back since I have been so delinquent on posting my thoughts, fears, hopes, and moments of my day. I miss it, and I think she might too. Moms are good for alot of things. So a toast to moms, and a toast to the moments I vow to take and reflect on the good and the not so good.

Moms are also good to talk to if you need to let out some stored tears. Usually their tears fall first, signaling that it is safe for yours to fall as well. I wanted somebody to remember that it was today last year that I found out I was pregnant. I was alone in my bathroom shaking with excitement as I peed on 5 pregnancy tests because I didn't believe the first 4. David and I had just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and I had awaited this pregnancy patiently until the right time came. I was ecstatic. I wrapped up the positive stick in birthday wrap and rushed to my moms work (after I called David of course). I handed her the little blue stick and we both started crying. I was so happy, and so was she. I couldn't think of a better way to spend her birthday. I got butterflies in my stomach all day when I thought about what was growing inside of me. (I'm crying now as I think back to that innocence. In the beginning of this last year I never thought I would experience what we have been through. Crying because of that deep sense of anticipation and excitement now replaced by a very real sense of absence and loss.) So much excitement, and that I wouldn't change.

A year later here we are doing well, very happy and full despite the very big loss. In some ways though, we have gained. Gained insight and understanding to a world of people who have walked this road. We have gained a value and respect of the human life in its frailness. We have gained new friends and people we will never forget. And yes, we gained two beautiful baby boys that we held for so short a night. Their presence though different than most children, I feel it every now and then, and it brings no tears, just a happy and very content smile.

A year later we are still thinking about a family, and what it will look like. Yes most of you know we gained a garden and 6 hens, along with the 4 dogs, but we are still partial to the human kind. I haven't wanted to talk about this on my blog, and maybe that is why I haven't blogged much. It just isn't the same when you don't get to talk to people in person, and the people don't get to hear your thoughts and processes along the way, but it is time to spill and let my blog readers (if I have any left) in on our plans. We have finished the last piece of our adoption process and have been selected for committee next week. Ok! That was really hard to type out. I'm not sure why because most of my readers already know this. For those of you just tuning in, we have processed much and after much thought decided to take our desire for adoption from "someday" to today. We are hoping we get chosen out of the 3 families selected but that is just a hope and we have to be okay with getting denied and moving forward in the next process. Today marks another exciting and unrevealed piece of our future. Since I have spilled the beans on that piece of our journey I can feel more free to write about more of the process.

Lastly a year later, we have been married 5 years now (not to the day, but last week was our anniversary). We enjoyed competing in our first triathlon together in Boise, then spent the rest of the weekend relaxing at our grandparents cabin and a quaint bed and breakfast in downtown. To the man I love more than mashed potatoes and gravy, thank you. Thank you for being my friend when I am really unlovable and rude. Thank you for believing in me when I don't believe in myself. Thank you for carrying me through such tragedy. Thank you for digging and digging and raking and digging with me to put in our beautiful garden and fruit trees. Thank you for getting me out of bed on the hard days. Thank you for laughing with me and even at me when I am silly. Thank you for standing next to me, making me feel like your equal, your partner, your other half. Thank you for holding my hand as we look into our future and learn from our past. To you I wish, I could only make your life half as wonderful as you have made mine. Forever and always.