Monday, June 15, 2009

A Strange Paradox

"...And to be drawn into that relationship is to surrender to the Father, to receive the Spirit, and to know Jesus. It is giving myself away completely, and receiving back infinitely more than the little that I gave away.

The highest form of self-possession is the capacity to give myself away. It is the highest form of freedom; it is the perfect act of freedom."


The capacity to give myself away.

What does this truly mean? How do I do this in purest form and motive, expecting nothing in return?

Last night I was thinking about something Jesus said "If you want to follow must pick up your cross and follow me." When Jesus said this, the cross had yet to happen. We have the privileged to know the full story but at the time the disciples had not yet witnessed what the cross would ultimately become. Often I've thought of the cross as similar to a burden. Though a burden it would be, it is much more of a mandate. Ever wonder why Jesus didn't say "put your sandals on and follow me" or "sell your home and follow me"? Why did he use a sign of death? "If you want to follow Me, you must deny yourself of the things you think you want." This way of Christ is one much different than the way of our consumer/ME culture.

What does it look like to die and yet live? What a strange paradox.

The capacity to give myself away.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Here are a few photos from recently...We've been spending time with our dogs out and about. We have also finished our chicken coop (Matt, it has been raining, but I'll see what photos I can get). We've had lots of family in town. So coming soon will be some photos of my sisters graduation, garden, chicken coop, family, dogs and maybe one of David and I.

We are doing well. Staying busy with productive projects and taking time here and there to enjoy some biking and friends. It is strange how quickly time has gone by. I was talking to David last night about this. I've had a few mixed emotions recently about life and our activities. Every once in a while I get hit, (as sudden as a bee sting when you're enjoying a picnic) I'll stop what I'm doing and think, there is no way I'd be doing this right now if the boys would have made it. Then I have a choice to make, choke back the tears and realize I am making the very best of things, or let the tears roll out and still make the best of things. For any of you who have lost little ones, I think you understand what I'm trying to say. There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing, it is just the thought that I'd rather be doing something else, like care after my children. This probably sounds like a bunch of gibberish, but I'm sure someone knows what I'm trying to get at. Those thoughts aren't too often, but they do pop in and out of my mind every now and then.
It feels good to get that out. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to talk about my loss still. I feel like others have already heard it and expect that since I'm happy and living life that I'm done processing. I think for the most part that is just my insecurity, no one has actually made me feel that way. I guess I fear that someone will think, "She's still talking about babies?". So, that's what I've been spinning through the ol mind lately. Well, more than that, but that's all I'm writing about for now.

David and I are going to make sauce pans and play Monkey Ball @ his parents house... Good rainy day activities.

One last thing, I'd like to wish the two love birds in the picture below a very happy 50th wedding anniversary today. Grandma and Grandpa Henry, we love you very much.



I've been neglecting a few things lately and blogging has been one of them. Last week I was super busy, but this week I haven't had internet! Stay tuned, for those of you who are still here! My plan for today is take some photos of our garden and chickens and post check back soon, I have lots to write about.