Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Three Years Already

I can't believe it. Where has all the time gone?

I can joyfully report that life is full, full of kids too! Never would I have thought that our family would end up growing quite like this. One year after we lost the twins, we were sad to celebrate the one year anniversary in a quiet house. The next year we had Zachary home and I was 6 months pregnant! This year, we have almost 3 year old Zach, 9 month old Charlie AND, we are expecting Zach's 1 year old, full biological brother to join our family in 4 short weeks! Yes, we are going to have 3 kids by mid January! We have been showered by the mercy and abundant joy of God's providence in our lives.

In a very complicated and heart wrenching way, yet very poetic all the same, two sweet little boys that never came home, made the way for two brothers to grow up together. We are scared and overwhelmed at the idea of having 3 kids 3 and younger, yet at peace and are excited to welcome the new one into our home and hearts.

In time the sharp pain has been dulled by the busy life of being a mother. Yet in some ways, knowing the joys and trials of being a mom make the pain deeper. I now know what we missed out on. Holding and nursing Charlene has been an incredible experience of bonding with my child. Knowing that I missed out on that, twice, pushes tears to my eyes during sweet moments of precious cuddling. Seeing Zach's zeal and love for life in the way that only a two-year-old boy can express, make us wish we could have seen two little boys jumping and running through our home. But, we are so thankful for the children that we have here with us. And thankful for the experience and short moments with the twins. Our lives would have been different had they lived, but now, we can't imagine life any other way.

It's nice to take the time to write and think about them. Even if it's seldom, it feels good. Healthy and healing.

I've wanted to put together pictures and some in utero video we have of the twins. I guess I wasn't ready until this week. I hadn't watch the video at all since they were born. I finally worked up the courage to pull it out of the box and watch it a few nights ago. Tiny hands and feet were on the camera and a small glimpse of one of their faces. This was while I was still pregnant. I wept. I haven't cried like that in a few years. It felt good. Even though I am so thankful and happy with my life and the children we have, I still miss them, I miss what could have been. I made a short slideshow and have watched it over and over. I guess it has been therapeutical. I wanted to post it here for anyone who would like to watch it. That being said, it was made by their mom. Someone who thinks they are completely beautiful and perfect, even though I now can see how sick and premature they really were. I am not offended if you don't want to watch it. I know images of premature babies can be frightening to some. To me, they couldn't be any more perfect, but I recognize that I have a privileged view. 

Merry Christmas from all five of us!