Saturday, April 4, 2009

Letting Go, not forgetting

So much of my healing has come through being able to write and share about what David and I have gone through recently. I guess I have found power in telling my story. By power I mean the healing power of community. There is something beautiful in sharing our story and hearing yours. Thank you for reading and thank you for the healing you have given us.

Fewer and fewer tears have been spilling out recently. Though my heart feels the boys often and my arms feel the absence of their bodies, my eyes have gotten a break from the floods of water. Slowly, resolve in being able to release things has brought freedom to hold babies, hold baby clothes and I even went to a baby shower this week.

I always have hated the phrase "letting go". Something about it makes me feel uneasy, almost as if "letting go" is forgetting. I still don't like the words, but I am starting to form the understanding of "letting go".
To me it has meant ;

1. Realizing that my clutch on life was a false one. No matter how tightly I've held things, I really am not the one that has control. Beauty must be found in moments that I am able to experience, not in ownership or possession.

2. No matter how "good" I am, or how hard I've tried or worked, sorrow and suffering are pieces of this life, not punishment for what I've done.

3. Suffering is not necessarily evil, though I understand that many of the things that produce suffering come from evil; violence, hate, war, abuse, etc. But in the middle of our suffering there has been so much love. To go through such pain does not mean that evil is in our midst, quite the contrary.

3. Death. I'm still working on this one. (Sigh) Though it comes much earlier that we are ever ready for, we can't think of it represented by the grim reaper or darkness. Though I don't like it, it should not be feared.

4. This is one thing I know for sure, God is not in the sky.

5. The person I have become in the last few months is different. Though I don't comfort the thought of pain throughout my life, I do not want to lose this sensitivity. I pray that I can see life through these eyes I now have in this moment of loss. (Don't get me wrong, I still get cranky, fussy, and harsh at times, but the lens that I now see things through has changed.)

6. Pictures and memories. Though there is some pain in each, I am seeing so much beauty that I missed. Something that had brought me so much joy and fulfillment suddenly brought pain. Recently a small smile has replaced flooding eyes. Living in the joy again is my journey.


This is my story, this is my song.

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