Monday, April 13, 2009

A New Week, Fresh Rain

I haven't been very good about writing this last week, as you can see. I have a lot to write about, but I just haven't sat down to empty my brain. Maybe I can get a few words out before I need to head off to work. I've been staying busy working at Mad Matildas Coffee House, and the Food Co-Op this and last week. We also have had two weekends full of family visiting from out of town. It has been really wonderful. I hope you each have had a wonderful Easter weekend.

David and I went to church with his family on Easter morning. On the way to the church we enjoyed the morning air while on our bikes. I felt content. What a feeling we all strive for. We sat down and enjoyed the Easter service. Every now and then my mind drifts off to a place that wonders if the boys would have made it, if I would be doing whatever it is that I am currently doing. Or would we be happy and tired at home feeding and holding our babies. I can't live in this place of "what ifs" but sometimes my mind just goes there on its own. So, Easter morning I went "there" and wondered if all four of us would have made it to church. Aw! Why do I do this to myself!? Obviously this question doesn't even matter, but I'm sure there must be a natural piece to wondering about how life would have been. Especially during the holidays, with loved family and friends all around us. That feeling of contentment was slipping away... I closed my eyes. God, I said under my breath. I don't want to feel the pain right now. I'm okay. The service was coming to a close. At the end a movie started to play and I thought maybe it was a clip of The Christ, or some other classic Easter/Resurrection clip. Then I realized it was a memorial video of loved people that have passed away. I saw Steve Adams name, and though I never knew him, my heart hurt for his children. Aj Noble, another person I never got to meet, but I can't image the pain his parents have gone through. Then I saw two names I never thought I'd see. Quintin and Speedy Henry. How the tears pour out. I can't tell you what it feels like to see your childrens name recognized among the dead. There are no words. Just tears. I also saw Matthew Long, a friends baby boy who died after his 7th week of life. I know there are you who know this pain, and for that, there is some comfort knowing that I am not alone. As David and I were hugged after the service and the tears wouldn't stop. I must have been embarrassed because I was laughing while I was crying. We got on our bikes to head home. As we were riding David said "You know, seeing their names in the memorial made it feel so final. Yet, somewhere inside I could say, It is well with my soul..." I felt it... I was still content.

Michelle, Lianna and Me

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