Thursday, November 19, 2009

More Disappointment

Disappointment hurts and it is no fun. Simple enough. I don't like crying either. I look old and puffy and then my contacts get dry and stick to my eyes. Plus all the blowing of my nose make me look like Rudolph.

All that is exhausting, physically and emotionally as well. We waited and waited, I carried my phone around for two hours after 11am yesterday morning. When the phone finally rang at 12:45 I figured we had waited for good news. Within 3 seconds my heart sank, I was strong enough to hear what our social worker had said, then she started crying. Somehow we weren't chosen. It doesn't make sense. Worse it feels like a rejection of us. It never seems to help even if "they liked us" or "thought we were a wonderful family". That just seems like mindless background noise.

Why is it so draining to adopt? Why do they make it sound like there are so many children waiting and waiting to find their families when good families are turned away? Time and time again. Is it a broken system? Are there more families then children? I mean these seem like rhetorical questions. Deep down I know the answers.

Do I want to do this again? How many more times can I invest weeks into calling social workers, foster moms, hearing the little ones on the phone, looking at photos, reading files, filling paper work on why we feel we are the right family, calling Early Intervention, researching books on attachment disorder, reading up on affects of alcohol and drugs in utero. I'm exhausted. I've learned so much, but I want to use what I've learned. I want to give myself to a little one and I want to feel that David and I are good enough to invest in the life of someone else.

I don't want to be that person that never has good news. I feel like for a long time now, I just let people down. We don't have exciting news of new life, but only let down hopes and expired anticipations. I want people to be excited for us without worrying that we are going to get hurt again. I don't want to see my mom cry. I don't want to cry anymore.

Are we stupid for doing this to ourselves? We have good reason, and feel that this is what Christ would do. Wanting a family shouldn't feel like a bad thing either. Are we going to loose the support of our friends and family if they see me upset for a day or two? If we want to keep going, will people understand?

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