Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The mystery I live in

I have had so many thoughts running through my mind lately that it's exhausting! I've been wanting to write them down but I feel like they all run together and I'm having trouble sorting them in my head alone on paper. David and I had coffee yesterday and he let me regurgitate my thoughts to him and that helped some.

So often I feel okay and then out of no where a sadness will come over me like a rainy cloud. I wasn't bothered so much by other women who were pregnant or had babies, but now it all seems painful. Not that I can't separate myself from them, it's more like a reminder of what would have been coming in a few weeks.

Another piece that I've been wrestling with is the balance between meaning and lack of meaning. At first when I came home from the hospital, the best way for me to think of what happened was that it's just life. Void of any supernatural or spiritual meaning or purpose. I feel like that was my reaction to growing up in the Christian faith, that says everything has a purpose or God has a plan. The way I saw it, was if losing the boys had a purpose or it was God's plan, then he (God) made it happen. If this was the case then I didn't really want to know this God. Though I am still not saying that it had to happen this way. Or that as some have told me, "God didn't want you to have your boys", which I just can't believe; somewhere there is meaning in some of it. I honestly don't know if it happened for a reason, or if there is meaning in its happening or if things just happen for no reason, or if nothing happens without a reason! I have no idea, but I'm still wrestling through this. I guess I grew up with one extreme of everything happens for a reason then I went to the other extreme recently that there was no reason this happened. Don't get me wrong I want there to be meaning in my loss, but I am uncomfortable at times with how that can be expressed through this whole conversation of God and his "plan". I'm not saying it did or didn't happen for a reason, but as things move and time comes, I begin to see things I never would have seen, and for this I am wondering if there is a reason.


  1. I have frequently fell back on the idea that God has a plan. It used to bring me comfort to think that God always had a plan. But do God's plans really entail pain? It isn't such an easy response anymore, not so easy to swallow. In light of the loss of your sons, I certainly look at it in a new light.

    You and David are members of a growing list of friends who are going through some really tough times. I don't like the idea that this was part of God's plan. I hope that He can bring goodness out of it, but I can't believe that He would author it just to make us grow. I am so sorry for your loss. I never met Quintin or Speedy, but I had high hopes that they would grow up with Trinity. I am sorry that it will not happen now.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story as it unfolds, it is very brave.

    Grace and Peace,


    P.S. It was good to see you and David at the coffee shop, I always enjoy the conversations.

  2. I've been trying to post this comment for a few days now, to no avail. Hopefully it will work this time.

    Alyssa, it was great to meet you at Young Life on Monday. I wish we could have talked more, but that's kind of how club goes! Hopefully we'll see you and David there in the future.

    Your and David's story has touched Nathan and I from the moment we heard it, and while we may not know you very well, just know that we are mourning right next to you.

    I would love to get to know you better, and if there's ever anything we can do, please let us know. But know that if that's too hard, too close to home at the moment, I completely understand. Just know that we're here.


  3. Hey Alyssa, I've kind of been in this boat since my junior year in high school when I was
    so sick in the hospital.

    After I had recovered I was convinced the whole thing was all a part of God's plan for my
    life. But did I think that only because I had recovered so well? If I had come out of it
    with severe mental retardation or paralysis, would I still feel as if it was a part of
    God's plan for my life?

    I mean, what about the other 8 kids I was in rehab with. Not all of them recovered very
    well. Some come out of it quadriplegic, some went from high school honor students to a
    1st grade mental ability. Some of them had brain tumors that caused them to lose their
    speech or vision. Was that God's plan for them? Why was his plan for them so drastically
    different than his plan for me?

    I completely understand your confusion. Like you, I don't think that anyone's suffering
    is part of God's plan. As for there being a reason for it, or a reason from it, I don't
    know either. I guess I think that if there is a specific reason, God will make sure we realize it.

    The one thing that is amazing to me is that even in the most desperate of times, love truly is abundant. The love you and David had for your boys, the physical love your boys were able to feel as you and David held them, the love your friends and family had for you, David and your boys, the love the random people you saw in your community had for you, and the love God always, always, always, has for each one of us.

    I know that because of this love, your sons have changed and will continue to change a lot of people's lives as this story continues to be heard, which is good.

    I'm sorry this has gotten so long, all I really wanted to say through this is that many people, including me are with you in this mystery. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reading mine.