Recently

Life at the Henry house has been hopping for the last few weeks. I always have to remember to slow down and take some quiet time to reflect and as a college classmate would said "marinate" in what is happening around me. Having lunch today with good friend was the time to remember and remind each other of things we already know, but our lives and duties can, at times, overwhelm the beauty of our journeys. As we both talked about our joys and frustrations of schedules and duties, it was good to hear that what I do on a day to day basis is not the thing that defines me, it is who I am on a day to day basis that truly matters. This reminds me of what Richard Rohr says about pain and what he calls "shadows" in life... He says we all have two choices of how we deal with pain, suffering or hardships; it can either transform us, or we transmit it upon others. I have to remember this not only about the big things in life that I've experienced but also about the small stresses that I so easily transmit upon others.

Through a rabbi - trail - sort- of way... this reminds me of our trip to the monastery that we stayed in while we were in Arizona. For those of you joining this blog more recently, David and I took a trip South about 5 weeks ago and did a short pilgrimage among other things. Though I struggled with some of the concepts and ideals of seclusion and complete simplicity of every entity of their lives, there is much that I still have to learn from the munks. The time they devout to pray and quiet reflection is quite shocking in our loud, busy, rushed, cultural inundated lives. Some days I don't even spend 10 minutes in quiet. This must change. I've been so busy, and though I am getting quite a few things accomplished, I've also gained a bad attitude, or a quick fuse, due to the rushed nature of my days. Nothing major really, but as my teacher friend gives a "refocus" to her disruptive students, it looks like I need to give myself a little "refocus"!

Since I brought up our trip at the monastery, here are a few photos from our time there. They believe in a simplicity and humility in dress, so respecting their desire to keep the monastery a place of self denial and modesty, I'm dressed the way I am in the photo. Again, something I believe we can learn from and respect. There is great freedom, though I would have thought contrary initially, about not thinking about what to wear. There is no need to make any statements, good or bad, with clothing and outward appearance.

April 18th

Its a date that you repeat over and over again, to friends, family and strangers. Especially as the time nears, people will just ask you for the date with no other intention of continuing the conversation. If you've ever been pregnant and start to show your baby bump, you know what I'm talking about. The checker at the grocery store, the barista in the coffee shop, the clerk at the bank, aunts, uncles, friends... "When's your due date?" When you're growing something very precious inside of you, everyone wants to know when it will come out. Then the next thing is everyone with a birthday around that time will make silly requests that you have your baby on their birthday. It's fun, and if it's your first baby, you hope everyone will notice and ask you. It is fun to talk about the little one inside you anytime others want to listen.

This April was exciting for us as my sister turns 18 next week and David's grandpa turned 70 yesterday. The thought of bringing new lives into the world around such happy, meaningful dates brought us joy.

Though today was our expected due date of new life and their lives ended quickly almost four months ago, I can still say I was filled with much joy today. In different ways of course, and if I could change pieces of my last four months, I would; but you know, today was much more beautiful and pain free than I expected.

I didn't expect people to remember the significance of today. I was okay knowing this was my day in my heart and not having it be well known. Last night before I went to bed, I got a note from our cousin saying that she was thinking of me and of tomorrow. Her kindness in remembering brought tears and great comfort knowing their little lives were remembered by someone. Today I never felt sadness, only contentment and the only tears that came were because the kindness of others. David's aunt, Tami had this necklace made for me. It meant so much to me that I think a few tears spilled out.


David's mom also brought me beautiful tulips and a hug. For those of you who sent me messages today also, Thank you. There is strong comfort in the recognition of our loss and to know you empathize with us. We have felt your love in abundance.

Why are words so limiting?

I knew it would happen sooner or later and I tried to rehears in my head what I would say. Though nothing sounded quite right in my head, it sounded even more strange out loud. It was a question that I thought I wouldn't mind answering. Now I'm not so sure why.

"Do you have children?" he asked. "Uh" was all my brain was saying, but my mouth spurted out that we had lost our twins boys at Christmas time. Then I got the "Oh I am so sorry..." . Regret. I shouldn't have said anything. But then to say nothing would feel like I am denying that I have held two sons in my arms as they breathed their last. This is something I never want to deny or ignore, and yet, do I want to share it with everyone? I don't know...

A New Week, Fresh Rain

I haven't been very good about writing this last week, as you can see. I have a lot to write about, but I just haven't sat down to empty my brain. Maybe I can get a few words out before I need to head off to work. I've been staying busy working at Mad Matildas Coffee House, and the Food Co-Op this and last week. We also have had two weekends full of family visiting from out of town. It has been really wonderful. I hope you each have had a wonderful Easter weekend.

David and I went to church with his family on Easter morning. On the way to the church we enjoyed the morning air while on our bikes. I felt content. What a feeling we all strive for. We sat down and enjoyed the Easter service. Every now and then my mind drifts off to a place that wonders if the boys would have made it, if I would be doing whatever it is that I am currently doing. Or would we be happy and tired at home feeding and holding our babies. I can't live in this place of "what ifs" but sometimes my mind just goes there on its own. So, Easter morning I went "there" and wondered if all four of us would have made it to church. Aw! Why do I do this to myself!? Obviously this question doesn't even matter, but I'm sure there must be a natural piece to wondering about how life would have been. Especially during the holidays, with loved family and friends all around us. That feeling of contentment was slipping away... I closed my eyes. God, I said under my breath. I don't want to feel the pain right now. I'm okay. The service was coming to a close. At the end a movie started to play and I thought maybe it was a clip of The Christ, or some other classic Easter/Resurrection clip. Then I realized it was a memorial video of loved people that have passed away. I saw Steve Adams name, and though I never knew him, my heart hurt for his children. Aj Noble, another person I never got to meet, but I can't image the pain his parents have gone through. Then I saw two names I never thought I'd see. Quintin and Speedy Henry. How the tears pour out. I can't tell you what it feels like to see your childrens name recognized among the dead. There are no words. Just tears. I also saw Matthew Long, a friends baby boy who died after his 7th week of life. I know there are you who know this pain, and for that, there is some comfort knowing that I am not alone. As David and I were hugged after the service and the tears wouldn't stop. I must have been embarrassed because I was laughing while I was crying. We got on our bikes to head home. As we were riding David said "You know, seeing their names in the memorial made it feel so final. Yet, somewhere inside I could say, It is well with my soul..." I felt it... I was still content.


Michelle, Lianna and Me

Letting Go, not forgetting

So much of my healing has come through being able to write and share about what David and I have gone through recently. I guess I have found power in telling my story. By power I mean the healing power of community. There is something beautiful in sharing our story and hearing yours. Thank you for reading and thank you for the healing you have given us.

Fewer and fewer tears have been spilling out recently. Though my heart feels the boys often and my arms feel the absence of their bodies, my eyes have gotten a break from the floods of water. Slowly, resolve in being able to release things has brought freedom to hold babies, hold baby clothes and I even went to a baby shower this week.

I always have hated the phrase "letting go". Something about it makes me feel uneasy, almost as if "letting go" is forgetting. I still don't like the words, but I am starting to form the understanding of "letting go".
To me it has meant ;

1. Realizing that my clutch on life was a false one. No matter how tightly I've held things, I really am not the one that has control. Beauty must be found in moments that I am able to experience, not in ownership or possession.

2. No matter how "good" I am, or how hard I've tried or worked, sorrow and suffering are pieces of this life, not punishment for what I've done.

3. Suffering is not necessarily evil, though I understand that many of the things that produce suffering come from evil; violence, hate, war, abuse, etc. But in the middle of our suffering there has been so much love. To go through such pain does not mean that evil is in our midst, quite the contrary.

3. Death. I'm still working on this one. (Sigh) Though it comes much earlier that we are ever ready for, we can't think of it represented by the grim reaper or darkness. Though I don't like it, it should not be feared.

4. This is one thing I know for sure, God is not in the sky.

5. The person I have become in the last few months is different. Though I don't comfort the thought of pain throughout my life, I do not want to lose this sensitivity. I pray that I can see life through these eyes I now have in this moment of loss. (Don't get me wrong, I still get cranky, fussy, and harsh at times, but the lens that I now see things through has changed.)

6. Pictures and memories. Though there is some pain in each, I am seeing so much beauty that I missed. Something that had brought me so much joy and fulfillment suddenly brought pain. Recently a small smile has replaced flooding eyes. Living in the joy again is my journey.




This is my story, this is my song.

Real Quick

My sister, Chanelle, is visiting from Portland this week. My dad picked her up in his truck to take her for a ride and I thought this picture was so cute. So I wanted to post it.

Spring?

Hello, I haven't posted for a few days since I have a house full of very loved ladies! My Aunt, cousin and sister are all visiting during their spring break. We've been having a great time watching home videos, drinking too much coffee, eating good foods and laughing our heads off. Poor David.

We have added to our family, over night, by six nonetheless! We are now two humans, four dogs and 6 chicks! In about 4 months we will have fresh eggs and a whole lot of chicken manure for our garden! (I just realized I used an exclamation mark for the last three sentences, can you tell I'm excited?)

Here are some photos of the new fam as well as our developing garden boxes. It isn't quite warm enough to start planting, but I have the seedlings in the garage staying toasty until Spring hits the valley.

This is what our little ladies came home in


We have 2 Rhode Island Reds

2 cute Barred Rocks

This little gal is a Black Australorp


The backyard in progress

The novice at work


Someday...