To Be Here

Life and love have a way of moving us. Moving our will and adapting to new plans and ideas. Our expectations can change and even in the midst of a life that we may not recognize, we can find utter happiness. Sometimes happiness and joy only come in hindsight, but miraculously some experience it in the moment.

The 18th of April was to hold the anticipation of new life from my own womb, one year ago. Through a difficult journey, we said goodbye to many expectations and did our best to live in the moment.

To live in the moment is such a difficult thing to do. Either we are reminiscing, or rehashing something that is now our past, or we are planning, fretting, stressing, anticipating our future. How much time do we spend HERE?

Today I find a life that I could not have imagined being mine. We've found Zach, and he's found us. The mesh of our stories and the coming together of each of our needs and desires continues to bring us deep satisfaction and endless effort.

Again, to live in the moment. If I am not careful, it is always about tomorrow. When will I know it's okay to move him in his own room? When will I ever get the laundry caught up? If he could only talk I might know what's making him uncomfortable. I'll be happy when...

Finally in the middle of the madness, David stopped and told me to come watch what Zach was doing. He had learned how to fit the plastic balls into the top of the toy, making the toy play music and making Zachary dance. Three short weeks ago he couldn't figure out the toy. At first I didn't want to stop much longer, I was on a roll and I was getting 'something done'. Then David said "He's gonna get big fast". Gulp, was my throat getting tight? Nose tingling?

This is today, and this is all I'm certain about. I want to be here for it. It's so easy and yet sometimes I feel like such a simpleton for forgetting.