Thursday, January 21, 2010


I can't sleep, even though I'm tired.

I have so many thoughts cluttering my mind I'm not really sure what is truly bothering me.

Tomorrow morning we have our conference call with the foster mom of the little guy we will be going to committee for. I'm scared of it not working out again. I feel like it is time that something should happen. And yet when I say that and admit that I feel that way, I feel guilty. Almost as if it won't happen now because I just said I think it is about time.

I'm upset that I handled a situation by demanding grace when I had none to show. So self centered. How could I have been so blind to my own ugly, all I could see was the other persons, and I even called them out. Why? How can I do something so foolish?

I don't know what questions to ask tomorrow, not that I don't have any, but every question makes the disappointment harder to swallow. Not asking questions will look like I haven't read the child summaries sent to us, or worse, that I don't care. It is just the opposite, I care deeply, and finding a good balance of caring and attaching has been a difficult dance.

I'm tired.

Thanks for letting me confess. Thank you for not judging. Today was a really good day. Sometimes it is okay to have both a good day and a full mind before bed. At least I think it should be okay. So, goodnight.

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