Monday, November 30, 2009

A succession of many 1st anniversaries

Starting today and continuing for the next 4 weeks or so, we will celebrate and mourn again, through the one year anniversaries of many big moments for David and I.

Today, last year, we (or rather I) laid on a table with a large belly covered in sonogram jelly watching two little babies on a black and white monitor. I had no idea that every time the technician left the room, she was asking and telling the Dr. her concerns. We found out that our babies were ; Identical, boys, and diagnose with a life threatening condition Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After an hour or so the news was broken to us and shocked I looked at the floor. Having no idea what everything would look like, or what would be next, we were scheduled for a surgery in Seattle for four days later.

The drive home was long and teary. Things like this don't happen to people like us, I thought over and over. We are too young to experience loss, and our family is so big and so loving we need two babies so everyone can have their turn! So many things rushed through our minds.

We had dinner at Loren and Sue's (David's parents) with David's grandparents and my parents. We shared, cried and came up with a game plan. We went home, cried some more, packed our bags, and cried myself to sleep.

Tonight, at the moment, I don't have alot to say. I just cannot believe it has already been a full year since that day.

Tomorrow David and I are headed back to Boise to attend a memorial service put on by St. Lukes for families that have lost babies and children.

Thanks for thinking of us during this time of year. I don't anticipate it to be dark, or bad, just most likely more emotional than last month or the month before. These anniversaries are hard, but also pieces in the healing. So they are welcomed moments, even though they can hold only a few precious moments in a sea full of sadness.

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too beautiful to forget."

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Feathers and Eggs

“All praise to you, Oh Lord, for all these brother and sister creatures.” [St. Francis of Assisi]

Friday, November 20, 2009

A New Day

"Whatever you can praise God for - will defeat the wedge of discouragement."

Something as simple and as magnificent as a warm home in the cold winter.

A dear sister who will come over and decoupage with me.

Beautiful friends that listen to me with their lives.

Strength and health that allows me work and to run.

The way creatures such as our dogs live in the moment.

My dearest companion that holds me and speaks gently to me on a hard day, the one I call my husband.

For the way doubt only confirms your deepest desire to trust.

And for a new day.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

More Disappointment

Disappointment hurts and it is no fun. Simple enough. I don't like crying either. I look old and puffy and then my contacts get dry and stick to my eyes. Plus all the blowing of my nose make me look like Rudolph.

All that is exhausting, physically and emotionally as well. We waited and waited, I carried my phone around for two hours after 11am yesterday morning. When the phone finally rang at 12:45 I figured we had waited for good news. Within 3 seconds my heart sank, I was strong enough to hear what our social worker had said, then she started crying. Somehow we weren't chosen. It doesn't make sense. Worse it feels like a rejection of us. It never seems to help even if "they liked us" or "thought we were a wonderful family". That just seems like mindless background noise.

Why is it so draining to adopt? Why do they make it sound like there are so many children waiting and waiting to find their families when good families are turned away? Time and time again. Is it a broken system? Are there more families then children? I mean these seem like rhetorical questions. Deep down I know the answers.

Do I want to do this again? How many more times can I invest weeks into calling social workers, foster moms, hearing the little ones on the phone, looking at photos, reading files, filling paper work on why we feel we are the right family, calling Early Intervention, researching books on attachment disorder, reading up on affects of alcohol and drugs in utero. I'm exhausted. I've learned so much, but I want to use what I've learned. I want to give myself to a little one and I want to feel that David and I are good enough to invest in the life of someone else.

I don't want to be that person that never has good news. I feel like for a long time now, I just let people down. We don't have exciting news of new life, but only let down hopes and expired anticipations. I want people to be excited for us without worrying that we are going to get hurt again. I don't want to see my mom cry. I don't want to cry anymore.

Are we stupid for doing this to ourselves? We have good reason, and feel that this is what Christ would do. Wanting a family shouldn't feel like a bad thing either. Are we going to loose the support of our friends and family if they see me upset for a day or two? If we want to keep going, will people understand?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Just a Quick Update

Tomorrow is the day! At 9am our committee starts and by noon we will know if we were selected to be the parents of these two little boys! I'm so nervous, and completely okay at the same time. Ok, maybe completely is a small exaggeration, but we know whatever happens will be just right. Even though we REALLY want these guys! Ok, I think you get the picture... so just keep us in your thoughts! I'll let you know after we find out.


Monday, November 2, 2009

Here we go again...

So, when you think you are planning for life to go a certain way, remember, at a moments notice, all that can change. For example, let me tell you a story.

6 years ago, I was a fairly typical girl in high school. Looking forward to flying the coop, I had been sending away for college applications since my freshman year. Studying abroad was all I could think about.

With a school all picked out 5000 miles from home and an excitement to see the world, I met a boy.

Though I didn't go off to the school I planned on attending, together with the love of my life, I've seen more then I ever dreamed of seeing. I've traveled to more countries, taken more road trips, and taken the photos I thought I'd have to wait a life time to take.

Some days not know what we'd do next, we finished our degree's at Portland State University.
Then we moved "back home". A place that at one point I can remember saying that "I'd never live there". Funny thing when we have to eat our words.

As a young woman, I didn't know the heart-ache that would follow the indescribable excitement of becoming pregnant. A labor and birth that would leave us with aching hearts and empty arms. A year following full of healing and recovery.

Life and her lessons have made us who we are. For that, I don't believe I would change anything.

Now, here we are, working through an adoption process that seems impossible some days. We were selected again last week for two brothers. We don't know when we will go to committee yet. It seems like such a long wait just to hear if we will get selected. Even then, we have to go up against two other families, and the committee chooses one to be the forever family. We have already been here once. Waiting to hear the news. At the decision of a committee, we may or may not have finished our wait. How does one wait for something without it consuming your thoughts? I constantly find myself drifting of to the land of "What IF"...

Okay it is difficult, but we manage. And hey, good things are worth waiting for right? So round two here we come. I can't help but cross my fingers, but I know things are out of our hands. Be anxious for nothing...

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

P.S. Please don't feel bad if you didn't know yet, we've only told our parents. We still don't know enough details to call everyone yet!