Dear You,

I've been doing some thinking lately. Some thinking that requires some quiet time, so it doesn't happen very often. I've been finding some quiet spaces here and there in the mornings and a few times while I've been in the car driving.

Many of the thoughts have been about you. Yes, whoever is on their computer reading this now. Some of you have written me emails, others call, some post comments. I'm so happy you like reading my blog; but more than that, why would you? Very few have lost twins to TTTS like us, and few have adopted through DHS. Even fewer are married by 17 and have 6 siblings. I don't pride myself in thinking I am completely unique, but I do often feel strangely that no one has been in my shoes.

During one of my quiet mornings I was listening to a book on tape (well CD) and heard this;

"It is the fashion of today to complain about these missing pieces- to blame our backstory for not having fully prepared us. But I think that's a mistake. I think we are all meant to search. We have all been taught some of what love is, and the rest we have to go figure out. There is a yearning to fill our gaps, to make up for what we have missed.

This is true for us, and it was true for our parents, and it was true for every generation before them. Unfortunately, it will also be true for our children. This is the nature of life. We have not been cheated. We get this chance at life, but we have to hold up our end of the bargain. We have to learn what love is, learn the parts we missed and pass it on. That's the deal."

Now, Po Bronson is talking about family in his book "Why Do I Love These People?". Families that have 'lost their way' and make life-long journeys to love and forgive. Truly it is a great read.

When I heard those two paragraphs, I knew something. Though he was talking about family, it also relates to us as individuals in this life. We are searching. Though you may not have done or experienced some or any of the pieces that make up my story, YOUR story is really not that different.

Pain, suffering, love, connection, being a parent, or being a child. Forgiveness and mercy, deception and despair. Frustration and breakthroughs, triumph and failures. They are what make us human. They are what bind us is sharing this experience in life. What make us brother and sister on such an unknown journey. We each have a past and from it we try to make tomorrow better. Each of our tomorrows are still secret to us, but we hope and anticipate for it. Though mine may not look or read just like yours, the same joy and sadness that I speak of, you have felt.

Loss and beauty are each ours to have. It is what we do with them, how we weave them into our lives that can determine how we see ourselves and our world. Like they are mine, they too are yours.

Thank you for helping this be a place where I've learned, shared, healed and hoped.

Love,
Alyssa

This Summer and The Moments

This summer has been vastly different from any other I've yet to live. Having six years of your husband and most of your time all to your self, leaves much to be learned when it comes to mommy-hood.

A few things I've learned, and a few I'm still working on;

1. You can't do it all.

2. Not being frustrated that you can't do it all.

3. I'm not a bad person if we eat cereal for dinner.

4. He isn't a bad person even if his face looks like this OR this

5. If I'm at the doctors office, grocery store, or home, the most important thing is how I respond to that face.


6. It used to take moments in places like these to make my heart leap and my mind to feel alive. Travel, discovery, and seeing something new for the first time. No one could have told me that waking up to the same little face every morning would be my new discovery. It is now these moments, that truely make my spirit fly. The same gentle touch. His soft hair on my face. Never could these moments stop making me feel like I have the whole world in my arms.

7. Some of the hardest moments have been admitting our faults and short comings. It's hard to see things that you once loved not getting the time and attention they deserve. We only have so much energy, and we must be prudent about how we spend it. Saying goodbye to some dear friends is painful, and yet I have to find comfort that we did the right thing.

8. It's okay to cry.

9. Don't resubscribe to Martha Stewart Magazine. I'm nothing near the "magazine" house, yard, food, ect.

10. Don't be too busy for moments like these...

11. Even though adjusting to a child can be hard at times on a marriage, I am constantly overwhelmed at the love and goodness that David shows our little guy.

12. It's okay if he doesn't think this is as good of an idea as I do.

13. Raising a child that was born to another woman has it's challenges at times. Recently a frequent prayer leaving my heart asks for compassion and love for her. We have some limited written contact and it can be painful, sad and also difficult not to pass judgment for things. I know this one thing, he is in my arms, but I know he is still in her heart and I just pray we can be who we need to be to him first, and second to her.

14. It is okay to cry.

15. Art and craft projects, hosting fancy meals, having a weed free yard, wearing clothes without food remnants stuck to them, blow drying my hair, shopping just for fun, having fresh flowers arranged around the house, and visible vacuum lines in the carpet just can't take the place of watching moments like these...




16. Taking time for each other is so valuable.


17. Remembering that it was because of this person I felt like I had a reason to be better. With him, I wanted to live life. This life.

18. In the craziness of life and all the reasons to fear the unknown, it was this picture this morning that caused me to hope. Believe in life. Maybe for the first time in 13 weeks I was overwhelmed with deep excitement. Finally letting go of some of my fears, I felt the joy and allowed myself to be touched by the delight of new life.

I remember when...

I HAD TIME TO BLOG!!!!!!!!!!





My baby is growing up... FAST!

Mmmmm Good!

It is funny what our kids will pick up. Things we don't really even notice about ourselves suddenly become something brought to our attention, good...... or bad.







One morning I was a little occupied getting myself dressed that I left Zach in the dining room to play alone. A few quiet minutes later he came into my room making swallowing noises followed by a satisfied "awwwww". (Think soda commercial.) I realized that he was doing EXACTLY what David does when he is drinking his special drink. Too cute and super funny....but we better nip this habit in the bud before Zach can pop the top!

Forgiveness

I was running around the house a few minutes ago packing and cleaning. Zach and I are going to visit one of our grandmas this weekend! My phone rang and a much loved friend had called to say hello. You know those friends who you always pick up where you left off. It could be 5 days or 6 months since you last talked and it doesn't really make much difference. After the usually chatting of catching up we ended up talking relationships. This time about the ones that don't work out so well. Awwwww. Pain. Bitterness. Hurt.

We do have another option. It is slightly more scandalous and its ways are usually foreign to us. Usually it hurts our pride or our own self image, but in the end we win. The crazy thing about forgiveness, the part we miss the most is that it requires more of us than we realize. To truly forgive, we must be able to do it before one say's they are sorry. To FOR- (as in before) Give. Tough stuff*.

Anyway I thought I would share this...











*Actually it is so tough that when I Google-d 'forgiveness' to see if I had an validity in breaking it down as I just did (for the record I didn't find much (ha) there were books, seminars, classes, ect. on how to learn to forgive. Crazy! We are pretty bad at it as humans.

For the philosophical/spiritual part of this blog: In the atonement theory of the cross, the demonstration of Jesus dying shows he did such a thing even before so much of the world had come into existence.

Cousins

They're special people. Thankfully not your siblings, but closer than the neighbor kid. Even from a young age you know that they are more than a friend. Sometimes silly things like binkies, toys, hormones, competition, the classic boy/girl difference that split even the closest of cousins. Sometimes they are our role models, or those that we learn which mistakes not to repeat. Sometimes they are simply a familiar face at the family reunion and in rare cases, though the relationship morphs, they are still that true friend in life.


This is me and my best-est childhood friend, Chris. I think he is the first boy that broke my heart ;) . Girl cousins just aren't cool past a certain age.


David and all his cousins from Cali.






To many more happy cousin years!

Super Lame Am I

Here I sit, in my running clothes. I ran about 2 hours ago. Eating last nights popcorn. I love day old popcorn. Something about stale puffs that taste like butter. I haven't blogged in who knows how long. My messy house taunts me like the neighbor kid on the roof. Long story, annoying teenager, yells profanities while I take my child out of the car-seat. Rabbit trail. I haven't made my bed for about 6 days. Laundry is piling up. (This is the super lame part.) What else?

My baby and I ate breakfast on the back patio while listening to Adele. My BIG baby (as in tall, and not like extra fussy) worked to make the yard very beautiful. Fewer weeds and new flowers! Finished the night sharing a bowl of vanilla ice-cream and chocolate with little Zach. Played the tickle monster game. Cuddled the rest of the night away.

Sink full of dishes. Wet laundry in the washer.

I guess what I am saying, is I'm learning how to have both. The messy with the wonderful. The chaos with the fun moments. Disorganization with peace that this is my blessed life.