Love in Abundance

I'm a mom... Again!

2012-01-18T14:42:00.000-08:00

In less than 2 short years, we have 3 kids. Yes, WOW!

Our newest sweet one came just last Friday. As of now Im covered in food and snot (cold season) and enjoying playing on the floor and snack times.

Here are a few phone pics of the sweet kids.

Happy Wednesday!

Three Years Already

2011-12-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. Where has all the time gone?

I can joyfully report that life is full, full of kids too! Never would I have thought that our family would end up growing quite like this. One year after we lost the twins, we were sad to celebrate the one year anniversary in a quiet house. The next year we had Zachary home and I was 6 months pregnant! This year, we have almost 3 year old Zach, 9 month old Charlie AND, we are expecting Zach's 1 year old, full biological brother to join our family in 4 short weeks! Yes, we are going to have 3 kids by mid January! We have been showered by the mercy and abundant joy of God's providence in our lives.

In a very complicated and heart wrenching way, yet very poetic all the same, two sweet little boys that never came home, made the way for two brothers to grow up together. We are scared and overwhelmed at the idea of having 3 kids 3 and younger, yet at peace and are excited to welcome the new one into our home and hearts.

In time the sharp pain has been dulled by the busy life of being a mother. Yet in some ways, knowing the joys and trials of being a mom make the pain deeper. I now know what we missed out on. Holding and nursing Charlene has been an incredible experience of bonding with my child. Knowing that I missed out on that, twice, pushes tears to my eyes during sweet moments of precious cuddling. Seeing Zach's zeal and love for life in the way that only a two-year-old boy can express, make us wish we could have seen two little boys jumping and running through our home. But, we are so thankful for the children that we have here with us. And thankful for the experience and short moments with the twins. Our lives would have been different had they lived, but now, we can't imagine life any other way.

It's nice to take the time to write and think about them. Even if it's seldom, it feels good. Healthy and healing.

I've wanted to put together pictures and some in utero video we have of the twins. I guess I wasn't ready until this week. I hadn't watch the video at all since they were born. I finally worked up the courage to pull it out of the box and watch it a few nights ago. Tiny hands and feet were on the camera and a small glimpse of one of their faces. This was while I was still pregnant. I wept. I haven't cried like that in a few years. It felt good. Even though I am so thankful and happy with my life and the children we have, I still miss them, I miss what could have been. I made a short slideshow and have watched it over and over. I guess it has been therapeutical. I wanted to post it here for anyone who would like to watch it. That being said, it was made by their mom. Someone who thinks they are completely beautiful and perfect, even though I now can see how sick and premature they really were. I am not offended if you don't want to watch it. I know images of premature babies can be frightening to some. To me, they couldn't be any more perfect, but I recognize that I have a privileged view.

Merry Christmas from all five of us!

It's been too long...

2011-11-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

...And for some reason I felt like a blog post tonight. Maybe when life seems full, it's good to write down a few thoughts.

So thankful for the opportunity to raise sweet, healthy children. Basically, that's all I have to say. Maybe I can write more in the future, but for now life seems full at the Henry home. So thankful for a home, warm beds, and healthy kids.

She is changing so quickly. For now she is blonde with dark eyes.

Our little girl turned 8 months today. I just love this photo of her cuddling her Da da.

I've been trying to take random photos during the weeks, just documenting life with the kids. So often I'm not in photos and so many times I pick up the house so it doesn't look as chaotic as it really is. I'm sure someday I'll miss messy living spaces and cherish photos of me home with the kids.

We've made it a point to share our love for the outdoors with the kids while they are young. A weekly hike doesn't always happen, but it's the goal.

Can't believe how sweet this little guy is. He even calls himself "Precious Boy". My life wouldn't be complete without Zacharoni in it!

I hope your Thanksgiving keeps going and we all think of how sweet it is to be alive.

Charlie is 4 months old!

2011-08-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Head over to Alyssa Henry Photography for some sweet baby cuteness!

Summer Lovin'

2011-07-16T21:38:00.001-07:00

Zach and Lydia just can't get enough of each other!

Summer Fun

2011-06-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

We've been waiting for Summer all Spring and now that it is here it is flying by! I picked a beautiful bowl of strawberries from our yard tonight. Hanging baskets are in full bloom. The sprinklers are running and Zach is loving being outside almost all day!

Here are some photos from my cell phone. I tend to have it more handy than my camera these days so I get a few more photos of our recent happenings.

Zach holding baby Charlene. He calls her Charlene and it is SO cute!

A sweet morning nap.
Speaking of naps... everyone was actually sleeping, except for Zach...

Still sleeping...

Awake and sweet as always!

I ran the Sawtooth Relay with some lady friends a few weeks ago. 62 miles of pure mountainous beauty!

Zach taking a hit of a Clif Shot after a Sunday morning family run at the track.

Not the greatest photo, but this is Charlie and her new cousin Romie sharing Romie's swing.

The other cousin, Romie's big sister, Lydia. Wearing her favorite "Bruno" tshirt from Jenny.

A favorite new baby card my Aunt Patty sent me. She made the comment inside the card "If this guy can't tell the difference between breast milk and ranch...then he deserves to dip his veggies in breast milk!" Thanks for the laugh... It's still sitting on my kitchen counter.

Zach's new backyard furniture...and if you can see in the background...we have a yard!!

Zach's first movie at the theaters. Cars 2! He was really more excited about ALL that popcorn!

So believe or not, the circus came to our town today! (Just for today)

Zach, David, Danielle and I all went and watched. It was SO hot in there Zach started peeling his clothes. Fun night and good memories!

What to do? What to do?

2011-06-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been struggling to find an answer to the question of what to do when the kids take their nap. Yes, both kiddos take a nap at the same time, most days. Super woman? I know! Just kidding, but do remember, I am the bossy sister of 6 younger siblings and I do know a few tricks. That said, please remind me why I haven't put something over my doorbell yet! Darn UPS man!! Doesn't he know it's nap time?!

So, back to my question. When the last eye rolls into the back of their sweet little heads, should I...

Clean up from lunch?
Make dinner?
Fold that basket of laundry?
Watch reality TV?
Pull weeds?
Take a nap myself?
Pick up all the ~~deadly foot traps~~ toy trucks?
Finish eating my lunch?
Mow the yard?

While I figure it out here are some cute pictures.

A family picture during graduation weekend.

My sweet little niece.

So happy for my little brother!

There she is again :)

I just love, love this photo of David with the kids. He's a natural!

My Reflection

2011-05-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

I couldn't be happier to announce the birth of our beautiful daughter. Charlene Rivers was born March 30th at 6:55am, 9lbs 8oz and 20 inches long. A moment that we've dreamed of came and we couldn't ask for more. A smooth labor one week after my due date. Followed by an uneventful delivery. Healthy and whole. A sweet, sweet baby was placed on my chest. We are so thankful.

It is really hard to explain those early moments. Exhaustion and pure elation. Deep satisfaction and great awe. Counting all the toes and fingers and studying each detail of her. Such pride and fulfillment. I have to say that I thought I would be very emotional once she came, but I was so overwhelmed with excitement I don't remember any tears. I might have cried but was too tired to have tears I guess. It wasn't until we buckled her into the car seat and I realized that we were bringing this baby home that the emotions took over.

The greatest contrast between leaving a hospital without my babies, to bringing home a daughter a few short years later. The redemption in this moment will forever be with me.

So here we are almost 5 weeks later. David is back to work. The kids and I are settling into a new normal. I wouldn't call it scheduled, each day is different, full of unpredictable moments. Zach is learning to be a gentle big brother. He is actually doing very well. I'm learning how to let things go and yet, keep up with things. Motherhood is quite unique. Talking with another mom friend, we decided that it is full of contradictions. Such as, time goes by so fast and yet so slowly. Staying home can feel very lonely at times, and yet you never feel like you have a moment to yourself. Letting the cleaning and chores go, and yet not neglecting your house completely. Balance, balance, balance... And yet, today, while I was working on preparing dinner, I caught my reflection in the microwave door. A few tears welled up, I looked awful. My hair looking slept on, the hooded sweater I've worn for weeks, pajama pants, and did I mention the purple half moons under my eyes? The tears really weren't because I looked so scary, but a true and deep contentment for my life. Even with all the food and dirt piling in the corners of my kitchen floor, a constant smell of milk on everything I own, an energetic two-year old painting my wall with his mac and cheese and thirty piles of laundry. I wouldn't trade today with anyone. Midnight feedings, really, they are magical. Quiet as it can be, just a sweet baby cuddled in close to her momma. Nothing else is going on and we can just be the two of us. With a sweet husband sleeping next to me and a precious little boy dreaming of Papas and trucks, the world feels right. For as tiring as a day in our house can be, the nights are peaceful. I am blessed.

I didn't realize that shoes were on the lunch menu today.

Our happy baby.

Just the surface of this beast!

More of my happy babies...

We have a slight addiction in our home currently. Zach watches 'Cars' at least once a day (no judgment, it gets us through). He is completely caught up in the movie, and I'm sure he has seen it at least 40 times.

To showers, 8 hours of continuous sleep, fresh makeup, and spit-up free clothes, I won't trade my sweet babies for you.
-Alyssa

Small Percentages

2011-02-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

As you all know, I am married to a very wise man. Someone who compliments my weak points with strength and wisdom.

Pregnancy can do quite a ditty on a woman's emotions and mental stability. I like to think that I am pretty stable and sound individual, but let me tell you, I have had my fair share of rough days these last few months.

I've tried not to post every little concern, thought and aspect of my pregnancy on this blog. Some of it is just to much information, and some of it is good for me to write in my personal journal and keep it out of the massive overload of personal information out in the blog spheres.

Everything has been going really great this pregnancy. I've made it to all the crucial developmental weeks. I have had some great friends to travel through the process with. A Dr. who has understood fears and concerns about 'last time' but has reassured that we CAN have a healthy experience 'this time'. Family that has helped out in many, many areas.

A few weeks ago we feel into a small percentage of pregnancies where the baby isn't head down. After a few weeks of trying numerous things to 'flip' the baby, we spent alot of time talking and ultimately deciding to do a procedure to flip the baby at the hospital. (Called an ECV.) There are some minor risks involved, and it was hard not to feel like we would inevitably fall into that percentage. I started to feel sorry for myself. Thinking about the twins. How everything went wrong. We feel into every small/worst possibility. Then this time to find out the baby was breech, which only happens in about 7% of pregnancies this far along. Was it worth the risk? Even though the benefit was much higher.

Cue husband. During one of my "poor me" days, whether I was crying or not, I don't remember, David was listening to me vent and be super negative about the situation. (To my credit, I had tried almost everything to flip this baby! From handstands in the pool to wearing headphones in my pants for the easy listening enjoyment of the baby! HA!)During this chat we had, David said "It can be easy to feel sorry for yourself about all the valid times we have fallen into less than desirable percentages. But we have to think about the times those same small percentages have paid to be some of our most positive experiences. Not very many people adopt, and even fewer end up with a kid like Zachary."

A lot more could be said here, but there is no need.

I wasn't going to share about the situation with the baby, I knew it would work out someway or another, plus the more people that know, the more drama, and the more updating you feel you have to do. Living in a small town with a large family on both sides doesn't always aid in keeping secrets. People at the gift shop, dentist office, parenting class and so on were all happy to know that the baby was moved into the right position yesterday by a great team of doctors. Everything went smoothly. Even this afternoon a friend who had heard came by and dropped off a gift certificate for a meal out so I don't have to cook one night.

So with half of our town knowing, I thought I would share here as well.

To self pity days, too much snow in February, even my fat pants don't fit days, and when we fall into percentages that don't feel fair, we each, really have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Tuesday!

Photo update

2011-02-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, it has been forever since I've blogged. And it might be forever before I blog again. We are fast approaching the delivery day for this little Henry baby and it seems like I am running on fumes. My energy levels are at an all time low, while Zach's just get higher and higher every day! The two of us make quite the pair!

Zach turned two last month and is talking rapidly. He is growing taller by the day it seems. He is such a delight, and even though he can give me a good run for my money, my heart melts every time he lets me rock him like a baby. He is obsessed with trains, and lucky for him, all the grandmas and papas love to feed his addiction. It is pretty cute to watch him interact with all his papa's. He loves them each dearly and erupts with excitement whenever he sees one of them.

Enough with the talking, here are some pictures of over the past 6 weeks.

We took a 10 day trip to Palm Springs with David's family right after Christmas.

Zach loved the pool!

At the airport on our way home.

Oh yeah, since then, we took the Binky away. Oh man! That could be a blog post all on it's own. Could possibly be two of the most difficult weeks of my life. In hindsight I can say it was probably worth it. Probably is the key word.

Next we had Zach's 2nd Birthday.

Cookie Decorating with 2 year olds!

My family and wonderful friends threw me a baby shower last week. It was beautiful! Two of my friends are also expecting babies in the next few weeks!

Wonderful Friends!

Sue made the beautiful cake!

We received such beautiful gifts. So many of our friends and family took time to make us gifts with their creativeness and talent. We are truly blessed with such a group of irreplaceable friends and family here.

Over the last few days we have been snowed on, again! Oh! I thought Spring was in the air!

Yesterday Zach and I were invited out to a friends horse arena. It was snowing, again, but we had a great time petting and feeding the horses treats.

Lastly, I got an iPhone about a week ago!!!! So here are a few photos that have made me smile.

Two Years?

2010-12-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

Where has all the time gone?

Today we remember breathlessly holding two babies. Soft snow laying a white background. We could never tell you through our tears and pain, that we would be okay. The next day seemed impossible, let alone months and years.

Yet, here we are. Two years later. It is pretty incredible the transformation and beauty that can be birthed in sorrow. Not saying that we are perfect, quite the contrary. We learn how to live with the imperfections, we embrace our humanity. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and yet we live in a fallen world. It is in the shadows that we realize the beauty of the light.

Two tiny lives that we never really knew have given us a chance to ask questions about life that may have never been asked.

Two years ago, another woman was only a month from giving birth to a child, she too, could not keep. Completely different situations and stories, but I have to believe similar heartache. We don't plan these things.

Two lives made way for another child's future. The situation opened our home and hearts for a different path to becoming parents.

Here we are, tree lights twinkling, snow fall again, Christmas wrap on the floor. During a time of year that has shown us such pain, our hearts are full with the anticipation of Christmas. A little boy's excitement for small and wonderful things. Two parents anxiously await the birth of the new baby. The warmth of a memory of two sweet lives that never were, and yet are always here.

David shared a song with me yesterday. The whole song is wonderful, but this one verse grabbed us both.

the table is set and our glasses are full
though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole
we’ll build new traditions in place of the old
‘cause life without revision will silence our souls

Merry Christmas.

SNOW

the branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves
all warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe
scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees
christmas lights tangle in knots annually

our families huddle closely
betting warmth against the cold
but our bruises seem to surface
like mud beneath the snow

so we sing carols softly, as sweet as we know
a prayer that our burdens will lift as we go
like young love still waiting under mistletoe
we’ll welcome december with tireless hope

let our bells keep on ringing
making angels in the snow
may the melody disarm us
when the cracks begin to show

like the petals in our pockets
may we remember who we are
unconditionally cared for
by those who share our broken hearts

the table is set and our glasses are full
though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole
we’ll build new traditions in place of the old
‘cause life without revision will silence our souls

so let the bells keep on ringing
making angels in the snow
may the melody surround us
when the cracks begin to show

like the petals in our pockets
may we remember who we are
unconditionally cared for
by those who share our broken hearts

as gentle as feathers, the snow piles high
our world gets rewritten and retraced every time
like fresh plates and clean slates, our future is white
new year’s resolutions will reset tonight
(Artist: Sleeping At Last Album: Yearbook/December)

I Do

2010-11-24T14:25:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving week. Late Buck. The chill of November and the excitement of Christmas.

Lip stick checks, heels, boutonnieres, cake, red roses. Church bells.

This cute Puerto Rican firecracker said "I Do" to this handsome fellow...

Yep! That's my dad!

We all know that nobody is perfect. Even more, two people living together doesn't make our problems disappear. I'm not going to tell you how perfect my parents are, or that I never heard a harsh word in my life. However, I do believe that 26 years of marriage doesn't just happen without doing a few things right. More than that though, I want YOU, Mom and Dad, to know how you are seen by myself, David and Zachary. I want you and everyone that reads this today to know all the ways you've been there for us. As you think back on the 26 years together, think about the good times and be thankful, the tough times and know we all have ours, the beautiful moments and hold each other a bit closer.

You gave me life.
A good one too.

And after a few years, you gave me a whole tribe to grow up with. Six beautiful siblings. What more could a bossy oldest girl want?!

With a few bumps in the road, you've gotten 4 of us through high school. A few more reluctant than others. Only 3 left!

Here and there you took us on some road trips. Who knew some would be more fateful than others?

(* For those of you who might be tuning in, this photo was taken when our family made a trip from Western Washington, to Eastern Oregon for New Years to visit the Henry family. Almost all on behalf on myself. It was during this trip that David and I knew we couldn't live without each other and started plotting our teenage love into marriage.)

David and I in the red coats at the wise old age of 19 and 17.

You've married 3 of your daughters.

Thankfully they get progressively older with each wedding. We've yet to make it out of the teens before the alter.

Mom and Dad, you are truly cherished. Each in your own way you make our lives fuller, richer, happier.

Dad your work ethic, though slightly overkill, is something I hope to teach my children. Never, ever, did I wonder if we would be provided for. Without a doubt we all knew you would do whatever work it took not just to give us the basics, but now as a parent, I know you gave your children so much more than the minimum. You encouraged honesty, virtue and hard work. Recently you allowed me to learn something else. We both enjoy fresh, local food that we've worked hard for. You are always the biggest fan of my backyard tomatoes. You are also one of my favorite people to cook for. You always make me feel like I am a renowned chef. This fall you took me outdoors, pregnant and all. I learned the joy and satisfaction not in killing for sport, but in providing for my family. Though I don't enjoy hunting stories, guns, target shooting and gutting out an animal, you brought a very fulfilling experience into my life. Sitting in the cold morning air with you made me feel like your little girl again. Your calm, okay not calm, but wise direction and presence made me feel confident. Your reverence and thankfulness for the animal showed me that man has a lot to be thankful for and we must take care to realize this each time we take something from the earth. Even more, you and I worked for hours cutting and packing meat. We talked. You showed me meat cuts. Your dad was a butcher. Though he has been gone a while, I like that you taught me something your dad taught you.

Mom, your hospitality is a beautiful thing. Open are your doors. That includes strange friends, stray cats, dogs, birds, chickens. The fact that a little bit of Grandpa Hollister is in you is undeniable. Not only is the number of children you bore remarkable, but so is the number of times we've all packed your home with hungry friends. You take time for people. Babies are your specialty. Didn't you have 3 of my friends kids plus Zach spur of the moment once so we could do Cinco De Mayo dinner as adults? Late nights are your trademark. I'm beginning to understand, now that I too am a mom. A dark quiet house is like a sanctuary. Though once we hit a certain age, you had a harder time having a dark house to yourself. You've learned the art of sharing everything with your children. I very specifically remember one day that I had seen you give, and give. I was probably around 11 years old. You went and got an apple for yourself, then one hungry small sibling wanted some too. I remember taking up your defense and telling them "No! That is Moms! Leave her alone." I'm pretty sure you smiled at me, but went ahead and gave your apple away. Whenever I have a rough day, and that is just with one sweet little boy, I always shake my head and wonder how on earth you did it!

Taking the best of both your strengths, you've made some unhappy times into simply twists and turns in our paths. We've each had them, and will continue to I'm sure. Changing jobs mid life, moving 350 miles from family to a new town. The struggle of making children into adults. To name a few.

For David and I, your support and presence during our most tragic moment helped us through.

Being there when we first met Zachary is such a cherished memory.

Who would have thought our sweet little family of 9 would have grown into this crazy crowd of 14!

With two more grand babies expected in 2011!

And just think, all this before you even turn 50!
We love you so much! Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! You guys look great to boot!

Love, Alyssa

Change

2010-11-22T22:23:00.000-08:00

Today came with a feeling of excitement. A slight wonder if I am really making the best choice. The confirmation that I am. A small amount of regret. A happy thought of the future.

Let me explain.

Today was my last photo shoot as Alyssa Henry Photography. For a very long time. I've been looking forward to being done working. With an active almost two year old and a 6 month pregnant belly, I'm tried. Zach deserves and needs ~~all~~ almost all my attention. When he does calm down or rest, I should take it easy as well. Plus I haven't mentioned the fact that my wonderful husband goes to work 5 days a week to provide fully for us. I like working, I like the purpose it gives me outside the home. I love people, and I really like when I make them happy with my work.

David gave me very first camera for my 18th birthday. I was elated. I had always wanted a camera and to learn photography. I still have a lot to learn. I played with it for a few years and down the road a few people asked me to do small photo jobs for them. One thing led to another and for the past 3 years I've been enjoying every summer doing portraits and weddings.

It's funny as I write about it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to be done. It really isn't, I guess it just feels weird. I've put a lot of work and time into what it is right now. Though, to be honest, I couldn't be happier about the thought of photographing my own family more often. Who knows, maybe I'll even get around to having some photos in our house! That's the other thing, when you do it for everyone else, you never get around to doing it for yourself.

I have a few photo/art projects in mind that I've always wanted to do. Maybe in my free time I'll actually use my camera for different subjects. I plan on keeping my photo blog for posting photos, just not in the way I have previously.

I thought I'd end my post with one of the very first images I ever took. 6 years ago, I thought this was a good shot. I like looking at it now, trying not to pick it apart entirely (it really is poorly composed for almost every reason) we all have to have our first shots at something new.

Thankful Thursday

2010-11-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

For the love that comes into our home and hearts.

And for the kicks and flips that come from in my belly.

Happy Thursday.

Happy Halloween From the Henrys!

2010-10-30T14:59:00.001-07:00

"Mom is this smile big enough for that piece of candy you are holding?"

Thankful Thursday

2010-10-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

In every form of the word "thankful", David and I are.

Long story. I'll try to make it shorter.

I requested to have my ultrasound done at a bigger hospital for this pregnancy. I wanted the "pros" to do it. St. Luke's to be specific. My doctor didn't mind at all and set it all up for us. When I requested that we had it done in Boise, I just meant at the hospital where the "normal" people get theirs done. My doctor scheduled me at the Maternal Fetal Medicine office. I didn't mind, but they are specialist, they are there for the times that things don't look so good.

Once we got into the office for my appointment, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. This was where we found out about TTTS with our twin boys. We were early, so we waited. I couldn't believe I had come back here. "What a huge mistake" I kept thinking. The ultrasound tech called us back. She was the same one who told us about the complications. I recognized her face right away. Then she took us to the SAME room. I wanted to run.

She asked me how I was feeling. Then she told us she recognized us from two years ago. We recognized her, but I didn't think anyone there would remember us. She went on to tell us she had heard through our cousin, who had gone to the same clinic for her babies, that we were thinking of adopting. I started to feel a little more comfortable.

The ultrasound went well. Our doctor who so compassionately walked us through the whole diagnosis, surgery, delivery and loss of our boys came into the room after the tech was done. He took a look at the baby. Shook my hand and gave me an A+ for making a healthy baby. We breathed.

Leaving the office with that news gave us a redemptive feeling for the place, time of year and the attempt to grow our family. This time instead of tears and shock, we drove home with content smiles.

****

I thought I'd share another story that happened today in the ultrasound room.

When we saw the baby's profile, I instantly though "Oh my gosh it looks like Zachary." When the technician left the room, I told David what I thought. We instantly laughed, preggo brain forgot that Zach didn't come from the same little nest that this baby is growing in. I guess it just goes to show how much you can love a little guy, whether he was born to me, a woman in Portland, Jamaica, Antarctica or on the moon!

Monday

2010-10-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Frankly, I'm feeling the same way right now. I'm just not as cute. AND I would never post photos of myself doing this.

This happens to be my favorite photo.

May Tuesday not be so tiring.
Good Night.

Thankful Thursday

2010-10-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Need I Say More?

Because I don't know how to do a blog post without out talking, I do need to say more. There is a story with these photos and it goes like this...

Once upon a time there was a very fussy little boy. Not milk or juice, cookies or cheese, movies or music, nor toys and games and certainly not his mommy or daddy could fix his tears and sorrows. Even the most magical place in all the land could not help this little boy. You see, even at the Park he still cried and threw some dragon-like fits.

His mommy's ears and head were starting to hurt from all the sad noises coming from inside her home. She did everything she knew how to do, then left the rest up to daddy when he got home from work. Daddy did his best while mommy made dinner, but nothing could break the poor little boys spell.

Then, at last, the doorbell rang. Grandma and Papa came in to join us for dinner and though the little boy didn't want to eat and spilled everything off his tray, it was what happened after dinner that saved the day.

Love Struck

2010-10-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

I should be working right now. Zach is being watched so I can work. Precious time to be productive without ignoring my little one's needs.

My mind is completely preoccupied.

I've never been that woman that just loves being pregnant. I do have nice hair as an outcome, but I'm not too fond of putting weight on. I love a full nights sleep. Eating more is a benefit, but for some reason this time I am eating too much I am sure. I'm always on the go, so when my energy runs out around noon and I'm completely spent by 7pm I feel like I'm always behind, always, always tired. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I'm not. I am thankful I can be pregnant. I just can't relate to woman who love being pregnant.

Yesterday I heard the little heart beat at the doctors office. I think I've been love struck since yesterday afternoon! Then I heard my heartbeat in the background. My steady, much slower, calm and strong heart is guiding and growing that fast little pulse. I swallowed back a tear. Oh how many tears have been dropped on doctor office floors from my eyes.

Of course I worry about having a healthy baby. I don't want to get too attached in-case of all the "what ifs". I can't bare the thought of leaving the hospital without my baby(ies) again. But something unexplainable happens when you see or hear that little life inside of you. It is completely impossible not to attach. Not to do anything it would take to give it the best chance at life you could give it. Overcome with love for someone you've never met, yet 24 hours a day it is inside of you. We are one.

Maybe I should get back to work.

Thankful Thursday

2010-10-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been very consistent with my blogging, even less consistent with the Thursday posts about something you are thankful for. I guess it's never too late to try again.

Today is Thursday. I was supposed to be in St. Helens visiting my grandma this week. She only has dial up internet, no cell phone coverage, cooks great comfort food and has the best beds to sleep in! I was really looking forward to my weeks stay. I needed some time to rest, a break from work, and she hasn't gotten to spend much time with Zachary. When our departure date came Zach was really sick. Green sick. So instead of going only for a day or two, we completely rescheduled the trip. I was so bummed! I told my grandma I wanted to be selfish and come anyway, and she said in her wise grandma way "We've all had to learn the disappointments of being a mommy to a sick baby."

I tried to make the best of it, I still took the week off of work (almost), finished and started some house projects and nursed my sick little ~~monster~~ sweetie back to health.

So, today is Thursday and I'm thankful for Netflix. Seriously. We just got it and you can watch older movies instantly online. (We don't have TV or cable or such.) I found 'Kipper Helps Out' an agreeable dog with a sunny smile that learns some valuable life lessons while helping out some new friends. I cut an apple and a few slices of cheese. Put my little man on the couch. Ignored the runny nose and the fussy tones. Don't judge. I got 20 minutes of blissful cleaning done. And this cute photo to boot!

I think he knows how to work it.

Dear You,

2010-10-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some thinking lately. Some thinking that requires some quiet time, so it doesn't happen very often. I've been finding some quiet spaces here and there in the mornings and a few times while I've been in the car driving.

Many of the thoughts have been about you. Yes, whoever is on their computer reading this now. Some of you have written me emails, others call, some post comments. I'm so happy you like reading my blog; but more than that, why would you? Very few have lost twins to TTTS like us, and few have adopted through DHS. Even fewer are married by 17 and have 6 siblings. I don't pride myself in thinking I am completely unique, but I do often feel strangely that no one has been in my shoes.

During one of my quiet mornings I was listening to a book on tape (well CD) and heard this;

"It is the fashion of today to complain about these missing pieces- to blame our backstory for not having fully prepared us. But I think that's a mistake. I think we are all meant to search. We have all been taught some of what love is, and the rest we have to go figure out. There is a yearning to fill our gaps, to make up for what we have missed.

This is true for us, and it was true for our parents, and it was true for every generation before them. Unfortunately, it will also be true for our children. This is the nature of life. We have not been cheated. We get this chance at life, but we have to hold up our end of the bargain. We have to learn what love is, learn the parts we missed and pass it on. That's the deal."

Now, Po Bronson is talking about family in his book "Why Do I Love These People?". Families that have 'lost their way' and make life-long journeys to love and forgive. Truly it is a great read.

When I heard those two paragraphs, I knew something. Though he was talking about family, it also relates to us as individuals in this life. We are searching. Though you may not have done or experienced some or any of the pieces that make up my story, YOUR story is really not that different.

Pain, suffering, love, connection, being a parent, or being a child. Forgiveness and mercy, deception and despair. Frustration and breakthroughs, triumph and failures. They are what make us human. They are what bind us is sharing this experience in life. What make us brother and sister on such an unknown journey. We each have a past and from it we try to make tomorrow better. Each of our tomorrows are still secret to us, but we hope and anticipate for it. Though mine may not look or read just like yours, the same joy and sadness that I speak of, you have felt.

Loss and beauty are each ours to have. It is what we do with them, how we weave them into our lives that can determine how we see ourselves and our world. Like they are mine, they too are yours.

Thank you for helping this be a place where I've learned, shared, healed and hoped.

Love,
Alyssa

This Summer and The Moments

2010-09-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

This summer has been vastly different from any other I've yet to live. Having six years of your husband and most of your time all to your self, leaves much to be learned when it comes to mommy-hood.

A few things I've learned, and a few I'm still working on;

1. You can't do it all.

2. Not being frustrated that you can't do it all.

3. I'm not a bad person if we eat cereal for dinner.

4. He isn't a bad person even if his face looks like this OR this

5. If I'm at the doctors office, grocery store, or home, the most important thing is how I respond to that face.

6. It used to take moments in places like these to make my heart leap and my mind to feel alive. Travel, discovery, and seeing something new for the first time. No one could have told me that waking up to the same little face every morning would be my new discovery. It is now these moments, that truely make my spirit fly. The same gentle touch. His soft hair on my face. Never could these moments stop making me feel like I have the whole world in my arms.

7. Some of the hardest moments have been admitting our faults and short comings. It's hard to see things that you once loved not getting the time and attention they deserve. We only have so much energy, and we must be prudent about how we spend it. Saying goodbye to some dear friends is painful, and yet I have to find comfort that we did the right thing.

8. It's okay to cry.

9. Don't resubscribe to Martha Stewart Magazine. I'm nothing near the "magazine" house, yard, food, ect.

10. Don't be too busy for moments like these...

11. Even though adjusting to a child can be hard at times on a marriage, I am constantly overwhelmed at the love and goodness that David shows our little guy.

12. It's okay if he doesn't think this is as good of an idea as I do.

13. Raising a child that was born to another woman has it's challenges at times. Recently a frequent prayer leaving my heart asks for compassion and love for her. We have some limited written contact and it can be painful, sad and also difficult not to pass judgment for things. I know this one thing, he is in my arms, but I know he is still in her heart and I just pray we can be who we need to be to him first, and second to her.

14. It is okay to cry.

15. Art and craft projects, hosting fancy meals, having a weed free yard, wearing clothes without food remnants stuck to them, blow drying my hair, shopping just for fun, having fresh flowers arranged around the house, and visible vacuum lines in the carpet just can't take the place of watching moments like these...

16. Taking time for each other is so valuable.

17. Remembering that it was because of this person I felt like I had a reason to be better. With him, I wanted to live life. This life.

18. In the craziness of life and all the reasons to fear the unknown, it was this picture this morning that caused me to hope. Believe in life. Maybe for the first time in 13 weeks I was overwhelmed with deep excitement. Finally letting go of some of my fears, I felt the joy and allowed myself to be touched by the delight of new life.

I remember when...

2010-07-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

I HAD TIME TO BLOG!!!!!!!!!!

My baby is growing up... FAST!

Mmmmm Good!

2010-06-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

It is funny what our kids will pick up. Things we don't really even notice about ourselves suddenly become something brought to our attention, good...... or bad.

One morning I was a little occupied getting myself dressed that I left Zach in the dining room to play alone. A few quiet minutes later he came into my room making swallowing noises followed by a satisfied "awwwww". (Think soda commercial.) I realized that he was doing EXACTLY what David does when he is drinking his special drink. Too cute and super funny....but we better nip this habit in the bud before Zach can pop the top!

Forgiveness

2010-05-20T13:06:00.001-07:00

I was running around the house a few minutes ago packing and cleaning. Zach and I are going to visit one of our grandmas this weekend! My phone rang and a much loved friend had called to say hello. You know those friends who you always pick up where you left off. It could be 5 days or 6 months since you last talked and it doesn't really make much difference. After the usually chatting of catching up we ended up talking relationships. This time about the ones that don't work out so well. Awwwww. Pain. Bitterness. Hurt.

We do have another option. It is slightly more scandalous and its ways are usually foreign to us. Usually it hurts our pride or our own self image, but in the end we win. The crazy thing about forgiveness, the part we miss the most is that it requires more of us than we realize. To truly forgive, we must be able to do it before one say's they are sorry. To FOR- (as in before) Give. Tough stuff*.

Anyway I thought I would share this...

*Actually it is so tough that when I Google-d 'forgiveness' to see if I had an validity in breaking it down as I just did (for the record I didn't find much (ha) there were books, seminars, classes, ect. on how to learn to forgive. Crazy! We are pretty bad at it as humans.

For the philosophical/spiritual part of this blog: In the atonement theory of the cross, the demonstration of Jesus dying shows he did such a thing even before so much of the world had come into existence.

Cousins

2010-05-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

They're special people. Thankfully not your siblings, but closer than the neighbor kid. Even from a young age you know that they are more than a friend. Sometimes silly things like binkies, toys, hormones, competition, the classic boy/girl difference that split even the closest of cousins. Sometimes they are our role models, or those that we learn which mistakes not to repeat. Sometimes they are simply a familiar face at the family reunion and in rare cases, though the relationship morphs, they are still that true friend in life.

This is me and my best-est childhood friend, Chris. I think he is the first boy that broke my heart ;) . Girl cousins just aren't cool past a certain age.

David and all his cousins from Cali.

To many more happy cousin years!

Super Lame Am I

2010-05-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, in my running clothes. I ran about 2 hours ago. Eating last nights popcorn. I love day old popcorn. Something about stale puffs that taste like butter. I haven't blogged in who knows how long. My messy house taunts me like the neighbor kid on the roof. Long story, annoying teenager, yells profanities while I take my child out of the car-seat. Rabbit trail. I haven't made my bed for about 6 days. Laundry is piling up. (This is the super lame part.) What else?

My baby and I ate breakfast on the back patio while listening to Adele. My BIG baby (as in tall, and not like extra fussy) worked to make the yard very beautiful. Fewer weeds and new flowers! Finished the night sharing a bowl of vanilla ice-cream and chocolate with little Zach. Played the tickle monster game. Cuddled the rest of the night away.

Sink full of dishes. Wet laundry in the washer.

I guess what I am saying, is I'm learning how to have both. The messy with the wonderful. The chaos with the fun moments. Disorganization with peace that this is my blessed life.

Why do I stay up SO late?

2010-04-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

Okay a few years ago, scratch that, a few months ago, I wouldn't think 11:30 is so late, but when you get up when the rooster crows, or should I say the baby cries, I should have been in bed at 9!

Oh well, I'm sure most of you know what it is like to do your unfinished business during the dark hours of the day. When only you and, well, only you, are awake still.

As my mom always says, necessity breeds creativity, or invention, or something like that. Well with late nights and early mornings I have found that to be true. You are about to get a beauty secret that I have discovered recently. You know those soft, loose, puffy, purple bags under your eyes that are a result of sleep deprivation? Hemorrhoid cream works wonders. Just a dab will do the trick. And something else I've discovered, you are only one stomach flu away from your ideal weight! Okay, just kidding, but seriously that or chasing a 25 pound kiddo around really helps to give you that little boost you needed! Okay! TOO much TMI (that's how my grandma says it).

Thought you might want to look at a few cute pics to put better thoughts than hemorrhoid cream and stomach flu in your mind.

Ooo yikes, we are learning what 'no' means and sometimes we just don't like it!

Oh look at that, funny how fast they get over it!

To Be Here

2010-04-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Life and love have a way of moving us. Moving our will and adapting to new plans and ideas. Our expectations can change and even in the midst of a life that we may not recognize, we can find utter happiness. Sometimes happiness and joy only come in hindsight, but miraculously some experience it in the moment.

The 18th of April was to hold the anticipation of new life from my own womb, one year ago. Through a difficult journey, we said goodbye to many expectations and did our best to live in the moment.

To live in the moment is such a difficult thing to do. Either we are reminiscing, or rehashing something that is now our past, or we are planning, fretting, stressing, anticipating our future. How much time do we spend HERE?

Today I find a life that I could not have imagined being mine. We've found Zach, and he's found us. The mesh of our stories and the coming together of each of our needs and desires continues to bring us deep satisfaction and endless effort.

Again, to live in the moment. If I am not careful, it is always about tomorrow. When will I know it's okay to move him in his own room? When will I ever get the laundry caught up? If he could only talk I might know what's making him uncomfortable. I'll be happy when...

Finally in the middle of the madness, David stopped and told me to come watch what Zach was doing. He had learned how to fit the plastic balls into the top of the toy, making the toy play music and making Zachary dance. Three short weeks ago he couldn't figure out the toy. At first I didn't want to stop much longer, I was on a roll and I was getting 'something done'. Then David said "He's gonna get big fast". Gulp, was my throat getting tight? Nose tingling?

This is today, and this is all I'm certain about. I want to be here for it. It's so easy and yet sometimes I feel like such a simpleton for forgetting.

Photo Post

2010-04-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

Here are a few snap shots from our past week.

We came home one day to a huge box on our front porch. Inside we found some books, a sweet card and tons of clothes from our family in Arizona. The clothes are fitting him perfectly and he had so much fun with cousin Lydia in the big box!

Our sweet friends Terri and Dennis Axness gave these cute balloons to us!

We had so much fun playing with these!

Here cousin Lydia is demonstrating how the kids felt about being in the car for hours.

Such a sweet time to watch the Spooners first visit to the park!

Our sweet families.

After looking through my photos this time around I'm beginning to see why the kids weren't so chipper... do you see what I see? Lots of sitting, strapped into seats and strollers? It is all beginning to become clearer now!

Grumpy, whinny, fussy, snotty, whatever... they are stinking cute!

Jack-jack and Lunis came along for the trip as well.

Confessions of 17 Day Old Mom

2010-04-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

First things first, I do not have the time to blog like I used to. Or at least recently I haven't. I currently find myself cleaning during my "free" time and if I'm not cleaning, I'm working hard to finish my photography clients. I just feel like everything is a mess these days. I don't mind really, I just wish I knew how to 'do it all' again. I really don't want to get down on myself for wearing yesterdays makeup and drinking cold lattes, there isn't any shame I suppose.

I will say we've had a rough start at being home and making a routine. We enjoyed a week at home, then during the beginning of week two David's mom got ill. She had a few mild strokes that landed her in the hospital in Boise for about a week. We spent a few days visiting with her to help pass the time. She is home now and working on her recovery. Thankfully she is expected to recover back to her healthy self in a small amount of time. The strokes that occurred weren't long enough to cause any permanent damage, and we are so thankful we will have her around to be a wonderful grandma. As I'm sure each of you have experienced, having healthy loved ones suddenly fall ill is a very unsettling feeling and emotion to carry around. It is equally strange to see our parents needing our help and support. I always think of our parents as so young (which really they are). I'm thankful we are so close to be near them through difficult times.

Little Zach did so good at the hospital, we made millions of laps around the hallways, took a few naps on Grandpa Loren's bed and brightened many faces in Sue's room. After we made it back home we unloaded the car just to turn around and load it back up for a trip to Madras. David and Barry had been signed up for a trail race since January, so we made the trip with Lianna and Lydia, David, Barry, myself and Zach. We had a fun time visiting David's aunt and walking around Sisters during the boys 20 mile race. After four days of being gone we headed home. A quick side note; traveling with a child is a whole new realm. It was enjoyable, exhausting, and embarrassing all at the same time. I even experienced what it feels like to have your kid barf all over the restaurant floor because he stuffed his mouth too full and choked on his water. People staring, a complete stranger jumping up and looking for a mop. Yep, I felt like I had turned into 'that table' , the one you hope doesn't sit by you. Just two short weeks ago, I could dine and be completely unnoticed by anyone else around. Now if it is the wrong time of the morning, just ordering a coffee can turn heads.

Well, we wearily returned home. The boys were exhausted and sore from their race and Lianna and I were worn out from traveling a several hour car ride with two mostly happy, slightly whinny babies. We returned to our own beds, only to be up all night with food poisoning. I started and poor little Zach ended it. It got so bad that at 2am I had to call my mother, yes a grown adult had to call her sleeping mommy to come help her. In all fairness to me, I was laying lifeless on the bathroom floor too weak to lift my own fingers, let alone my crying baby who was covered in sickness. Where was David? Shivering with the chills, white as a ghost in bed asking if he needed to call 911. Yes is was bad. And now, slightly humorous. Poor Lianna also had it. We laid on the couches all day, achy and tired. After David and Zach went to bed, I almost had to laugh, here I was mopping spilled Pedialyte and washing dirty sheets. Who knew that even being sick makes a mess?

Photos to come...soon I promise.

Our First Week

2010-04-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. Here it is, week one.

I think I have writers block. I keep writing things then deleting them. Writers block, or 'new-mommy-frazzled-brain-block'. Something like that. You know those days when you run to the post office only to find that you left your mail at home? Or you go to the same grocery store that you always go to, the one that doesn't take debit cards, and you don't have cash and your check book is empty? Even though you've already been home once to get the mail you forgot, you have to go back again, in the snow, walking, to get your check book so your family can eat dinner. It's the same day that you decide to make that trip to the neighboring town to get some laundry baskets, bottles and dish soap and a Spring blizzard hits and the freeway closes before you can get home. You know, the day when it's close to being bed time, and you just need to unwind, so you decide to make a lemon chiffon cake to relax and you realize that your cookbook is at your sisters, even though you just ran to the store to get a few ingredients. It's the same day that you can't believe you get to be the one that rocks your baby to sleep. You know, the day that every time you look into those deep blue eyes you smile, inside and out, because you know how lucky you are. A day when kissing soft cheeks and baby lips seems to set the whole world right. That day, when there is nothing left to do, or at least no energy to finish what is left to do, that you sit in front of your computer screen and look at countless photos of your precious family (while drinking tea and eating Cheddar Popchips) and feel deeply blessed.

I just had one of those days.

Here are a few photos of our first week together. Sometime soon, when I'm not so tired, I will actually write something. For now, goodnight.

No Need for Words

2010-03-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you what this photo does to me. Such a beautiful moment for each of us.

Quickie

2010-03-28T17:24:00.001-07:00

We are all doing well!

To all you parents out there we do have one question...

Eventually do you not feel as tired as the beginning? You know, does your stamina pick up? Or have we entered into a commitment that entails eternal sleep deprivation?

Just kidding, kinda. Actually we are getting a lot of sleep, that's really not the problem, we just both feel really tired. He is really good too, I've done alot of child-care in my college/nanny years and not to mention having six younger siblings, he is an easy kid. Our energy levels just feel well below the normal level.

This is us about 20 minutes ago... it's crazy how much you can love a little boy you've only known two weeks.

Home at Last

2010-03-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, we are home again.

I could almost stop the post at that and call it a day, but not only do I want you to know the emotions and happenings of today, I also need to reflect and process today.

Starting last night I could not fall asleep. Try mixing a 6yr olds excitement for Christmas, with the anticipation of a bride the night before her wedding. Throw in a few drops of caffeine I had with dessert after dinner, and I was a mess!

Briefly for those of you who weren't aware of our transition schedule, it went like this;
Tuesday: Few hours at foster family's home.

Wednesday: Start at foster family's home then do a day out in the community. ( We played at the park, ate lunch out, took a nap in the car, went to the book store, did a little shopping, and headed back to the park.)

Thursday: We picked him up from the foster family's house and spent the whole day with him and had him with us over night as well. It all went really good and by this day he was really warming up to us.

Friday: We took him back for his last night at the foster family's home and their goodbye day.

Saturday: We went to the foster family's home around 9am and headed out for our house around 10.

I can't really explain to you why the emotions come and go like they do but I was feeling really excited, and really tired from the last two weeks. Once we were a few miles from the foster family's home, I started to be completely overwhelmed with emotions. I don't know if I really know everything that I was feeling, I just tried to feel it and be in the moment. I knew that these days in one's life are rare and I wanted to savor every feeling.

We said our goodbyes and there were some tears in almost everyone's eyes, even Zach felt the emotions and was fussing. How strange it is to take your little boy from the only home he knows. We knew they didn't want to adopt him, and yet we also know they love him deeply. Trying to hold both without analyzing everything, we knew we were the ones that were meant to bring the little boy home. STILL, I just can't explain how strange a feeling. Now with that I was (and still am!) feeling butterflies every time I think that he is our son. His sweet face, beautiful eyes and soft skin. I asked him for a kiss tonight and he gave me one right on my lips and the tears started pouring again. How truly blessed I am.

He is kissing us, smiling, dancing and babbling like we've known him forever. Now, I also know there is a honeymoon period, but for now we are so thankful for the happy little boy he is. We are enjoying the utter joy and deep happiness of our first day as a family.

This is what I'm looking at right now.

I will be posting more photos soon. I have SO many!
Also I've been thinking of doing a small series of adoption posts relating to the actually process on our end. I've had some other adoptive families come to my blog recently, and I know there wasn't much on the web about specific subjects when it comes to State Adoptions.

Also, I know some of you who live close will want to meet him and we can't wait to share him! We are going to wait a bit to get settled in and we will let you know when you can stop by. He came from a foster home with 11 people living there, so he does really well with people, we just don't want to share him. Just kidding, we just feel like we will know when it is time to introduce him to our friends. Thanks for understanding!

Lastly, Thank YOU! ALL so much for the love, encouragement, text messages, comments on the blog, letters, gifts, prayers and everything else. YOU have been a part of this and have made it a bearable and even an enjoyable process through each step. Thank you!

Transition Update

2010-03-25T14:15:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't blogged lately. I honestly haven't been thinking of it as a priority. I talked to my mom last night and she was telling me how everyone at home is dying to know what is going on and how everything is going. I've been getting quite a few texts so I know people would like to know how it is going. I tried doing an update last night but I couldn't sign in so I have a few minutes right now.

This is day 3 in our 5 day transition to bring our little boy home. Today we have the whole day with him. We have him until tomorrow morning and we are so thankful that he is doing so well. Yesterday was the first time we got to take him out. We played at the park, which he loved! It was 70 degrees here so we ran barefoot in the grass, layed on a blanket and enjoyed hour after hour outside. We had lunch with my sister and walked around for a while. Without boring you of all the details, we had a wonderful wonderful day!

It was cute this morning on our way to pick him up, David told me he felt like something was missing last night after we dropped him off. He said he could hear his little voice at the end of the day and missed him. AWW!

He is real quiet and reserved at first, but once he warms up he loves to hear himself chatter! It is so cute and we were wishing we brought our video camera, then remembered, we get to bring him home with us! (And yes, it is still sinking in that he is ours!)

We are staying at my aunts house and it has been really relaxing to have him here. Today it's raining, so we are playing inside. He just cuddled for a half-hour or so while we fed him is bottle and now it is all charged up to play again. He loves making faces and rocking on his little horse. I've been taking lots of pictures so when I get home I will show them to you all!

Everything is going so well, we couldn't be happier. Sorry this is rushed, but he is upstairs and I just don't want to be downstairs any longer!

Here He is World!

2010-03-19T22:54:00.001-07:00

Yep! In one short week this sweet little guy will be home! He was born the same week we contacted DHS about foster care/pre-adoption classes. One year later, here we are!

Our family threw us a shower last night and as we got started my sister read this:

"Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you don't remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one. One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, the other taught you to live it. The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.

Once gave you nationality, the other gave you a name. One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotion, the other calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home, that she could not provide. The other prayed for a child, and her hope was not denied. "

Zachary

2010-03-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

We are so happy to tell you that we were selected at committee today!

I cried and cried and laughed and kept crying! What a feeling.

We don't know very much right now but we do get to meet little Zachary in about a week! I'm so full and excited, I feel if I keep writing it will just be the same thing over and over.

Thank you to all of you who have shared in this journey with us! Please don't go anywhere 'cause it's just started!

xoxoxo

More from Grandmas...

2010-03-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

I'm home. I had the most wonderful time with my grandma.

This is the most beautiful view from her kitchen table. Hmmm... I miss that! I need to get out and shoot the beautiful mountains of this gorgeous Baker Valley.

This is my dearest friend that graces the earth with his furry four legs.

And to think, when he was a pup he was deathly afraid of my camera. I've trained him well! We enjoyed our walks together.

I think this photograph says a lot. Today, I think it is showing how light gives life. Have you seen some Light today?

Travels | Part 1

2010-03-01T09:48:00.000-08:00

Hello world! I have little to no cell phone coverage and absolutely no internet access. I came down to Starbucks in town today to do alittle paper work for our adoption committee next week. Though I will admit that I am a technologically addicted young adult, I have deeply needed and enjoyed the time to unplug. I think I will even work hard on cutting back my dependency. I haven't missed anything important. Ok, I will admit when I call David to say goodnight, he checks my email for me and reports, but I still have unplugged for the most part!

I have so much to write home about (I'm at my grandmas)...

For now I'll just do a small recap of my time.

We have stayed up way too late every night talking. We both had a good cry last night and the dogs (I brought Jack) found us downstairs and came to cheer us up, which in turn made us laugh uncontrollably while the tears were still coming. (If you haven't tried laughing and crying at the same time, I highly encourage it. It can do wonders for the soul) We found an old cedar box full of black and white photographs. We carefully looked at each one as she told me the story of each and all the people who have been in and out her life. We have mended an antique quilt I found, though it isn't finished yet it is much better shape already. We are in the process of making a quilt top out of vintage quilt squares she found in Idaho. We are buying and reporposing used fabric and vintage china. We consider ourselves saviors to our landfills. We haven't missed a cup of coffee yet! We hosted dinner to a family of 13. Don't worry there will be more later on this wonderful event! We are starting to make some grocery bags out of recycled upolstery samples I found in Portland. We have had pie and monster cookies everynight. She has told me the stories of each of her collected cake stands and vintage dolies. We've seen the sunset everynight and have yet to make it out of bed to see it come back up. Before we said goodnight, she hugged me and said how much she has needed this visit, if she only knew how much she has done for me. How much this visit has restored many pieces of me and deeply encouraged me, brought Grandma and I together, added a few pounds of cookies to my midsection, and given me a chance to be refreshed. Not to mention what it has done for my love of junk collecting! Sorry David!

To be continued...

Deja vu

2010-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving tomorrow and thankful I was already planning on going. We got a phone call today, well while I was working, and all of our criminal history has been shredded by the FBI. Supposedly we filled everything out last February on an old form, which can't be transferred and is now longer accepted. Therefore all old forms had to be destroyed and families have to re-file. We were told by one worker if it wasn't on her desk in Portland tomorrow we wouldn't be able to go to committee on the 10th because we no longer have a valid background check! We were scrambling to figure out what we were going to do. We also needed to be finger printed and the sheriffs' office only finger prints on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I pleaded with the officer to fill out our forms and he said if I could be there in 5 or 10 minutes he would do it. I had to find a finger print card !!! I picked up David and flew to the DHS building to get cards and then flew to the sheriff's station. So now on my way to my grandmas I can have our second background check on their desk in Portland right on time!

Crazy Crazy! I'm sure most adoptions have their crazy moments but my mind is just catching up with my body for the day. Hopefully a nice sleep with help before the long drive tomorrow.

And yes, we are going to committee for Zachary on March 10th! Very excited!

Long time no post

2010-02-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

I promise I will write soon. Maybe even later today! Lots to say and so little time :)

Travels

2010-02-10T00:27:00.000-08:00

What to write? I'm not really sure.

To keep it simple, David and I had an opportunity last week to purchase tickets to Hawaii. We bought the tickets and left 4 days later. Nothing like spur of the moment. We are enjoying a nice break from the snow and cold in Baker as well as the company of David's brother and sister-in-law who live here.

Today we spent the entire day on the beach. As the evening came I was taking pictures and digging my feet in the sand. I always think of the boys, but tonight I was touched deeply by their absence. Why does it hit out of the middle of no where at times? I don't always know what to do with some of my thoughts, but tonight I just let them come. I thought about things had it gone differently, and reflected on how things are currently happening. Then as the sun was setting, I wrote their names in the sand and watched the water take them to sea. A lady walked by and read their names before the water touched them. She had no idea what she walked upon, and I'm not sure why, but I thought I would be embarrassed if someone saw what I was doing. Before I became distracted by the stranger I watched the water wash over the sand and then it was over. She continued walking. My heart was beating a little faster as I let two warm tears make their way down my face before I made my way back to our spot where we had been sitting. On my mind and always deep in my soul, the two little boys that changed us softly.

Thankful Thursday

2010-01-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to join in on the popular Thursday blog posts; Thankful Thursday.

I was thinking all day about what to write, and now as I sit down to type, my mind is a little fragmented. Even so, I know just what I am thankful for today.

I am so thankful for my baby niece. She is such a delight to our entire family. So sweet, happy and chubby. I love holding her and kissing her. She is squealing and smiling, it is very addicting to be around her. I really don't think I can explain how much joy she brings to our family. My little sister, who has grown up lots, is such a wonderful mom. I love watching Lydia and Lianna interact. Beautiful. Lianna tends to Lydia's needs so effortlessly, and it doesn't take much to notice how the two adore each other. Again, I have few words to express how I feel about them. Love.

Here is a photo of them I took last week.

And of Lydia being a doll. If you want to see more, click here.

As I am about to post this, I just looked at my computer clock to see if my heavy eyes were an indicator of the time. Guess what I saw?! It is Wednesday! Well, I guess Thankful Thursday came a day early this week!

Confessions

2010-01-21T22:43:00.001-08:00

I can't sleep, even though I'm tired.

I have so many thoughts cluttering my mind I'm not really sure what is truly bothering me.

Tomorrow morning we have our conference call with the foster mom of the little guy we will be going to committee for. I'm scared of it not working out again. I feel like it is time that something should happen. And yet when I say that and admit that I feel that way, I feel guilty. Almost as if it won't happen now because I just said I think it is about time.

I'm upset that I handled a situation by demanding grace when I had none to show. So self centered. How could I have been so blind to my own ugly, all I could see was the other persons, and I even called them out. Why? How can I do something so foolish?

I don't know what questions to ask tomorrow, not that I don't have any, but every question makes the disappointment harder to swallow. Not asking questions will look like I haven't read the child summaries sent to us, or worse, that I don't care. It is just the opposite, I care deeply, and finding a good balance of caring and attaching has been a difficult dance.

I'm tired.

Thanks for letting me confess. Thank you for not judging. Today was a really good day. Sometimes it is okay to have both a good day and a full mind before bed. At least I think it should be okay. So, goodnight.

Monday Nights

2010-01-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

Lately our Monday nights have consisted of 9 5th and 6th grade boys running around desperately trying to win a basket ball game. David and I are coaching. Well, David is coaching, I'm there for moral support. I have to admit, come 4:30pm I'm not really ready to leave whatever is cooking on the stove, if anything has it made it to that point, and walk over to the YMCA gym to watch sweaty kids act like they are Harlem Globetrotters. Seriously, kids these days think very highly of themselves. I guess everyone wants to be a superstar. Anyway, that is way beyond the point here, sorry I got away from myself!

Every time I walk into the old gym, I'm so glad I did. I really do love kids, sloppy three pointers and all. Something really hit me last night during their game. I really love my husband. He is such a good guy to be out there during the week with these kids. He doesn't complain about practices and he doesn't get upset when they lose their games (all three so far). He doesn't yell from the side line. He listens, and tries to cater to most of their wants. We have quite the variety on our team... I mean it is 5th and 6th grade, remember?

Really this post is to David. Monday nights are a wonderful way to see you interact with the boys, the other teams and their parents. I love how you are confident enough to lead, and humble enough to show the boys how winning isn't the important piece. Thanks for not yelling, not that you ever do, but just thanks that you don't. I'm so happy we have each other, I am one lucky gal. Forever and always!

Just in case you were wondering what it is that I do...besides moral support?

Some how I am supposed to make sure the kids know the offensive plays... the key to winning a game may be that I should learn how these things work :)

Sisters, a snow bunny and pizza

2010-01-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted any photos for a while, so instead of writing a post with words, here is my Saturday in photos. Enjoy.

My sister and I walked across the street for a few random shots and some fresh air.

It was a pretty lazy day.

Valerie came for a visit!

I made some pizza.

The boys cleaned.

Oh, the snow bunny...

Give Rest

2010-01-13T23:03:00.000-08:00

As I am about to lie down in my comfortable, warm and safe bed, my spirit is heavy for those in Haiti. I managed to get in front of a TV tonight and my heart hurts for what I saw. What and how do we pray? How do I help? Safe and warm, I will sleep, next to my husband and knowing my family is also home and tucked in their beds. It is crazy how little we realize such simple knowledge can be so comforting.

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen. [[The Divine Hours]]

A Day at Home

2010-01-08T10:38:00.000-08:00

I hate to say that it's taken a migraine to slow me down long enough to blog again. I don't know what I've been up to, but it sure has been fun!

We had a wonderful Christmas with lots of family and lots of traveling. Then we caught up on missed sleep over the New Year's weekend. I'm not proud to admit that I, at the ripe ol' age of 23, was asleep by 11pm on New Year's Eve. I won't be making that a tradition, but, well I really don't have an excuse. I've been enjoying time with my sister and swimming a few laps here and there, along with sewing mittens and trying new recipes. Huckleberry muffins came out of the oven today. I wish I could open my kitchen for a few hours a day, run a mini bakery out of it. I wonder if it would work? Last week I made Apple Cinnamon Cake with Caramel and Coconut Drizzle browned to a perfect crunch. Apple Crisps and my secret homemade hotcakes. Potato Rolls and soups. I really love to cook.

We have also entered another round in the adoption process. We should know sometime in the next couple of days when our committee date is scheduled. We will be going to committee for a one year old boy. To be honest I don't know what to think. I'm slightly worried about the out come of the committee again. The feeling when you answer the phone and hear "You were not selected", is most closely likened to a loss, a mini death. Though you know the child was never yours to "lose" in the first place, a connection, an attachment starts to form in our hearts the day we find out we have been selected. Reading paper after paper, file after file. Talking to social workers, foster moms, hearing the children play and cry in the background, you hear that little voice before you go to sleep at night, wondering and praying that it could be yours. As one could imagine when the little ones go to another family, you can't help but grieve in a small way that you won't get the opportunity this time. At the same time there is peace and closure that this child was placed with a family and the little one can start their journey with their forever family. Though I am nervous about the emotional ride, I am excited about the possibility, and this little one would make a wonderful fit into our home as well as our large and loving family.

I don't like posting without a picture, but my head hurts too bad to get back out of bed... so picture this;
Dressed but with messy hair and slippers on, I lay propped up by pillows on my half made bed. Other than the computer screen I'm typing on, I see a very cold looking day. Wind blowing the tree tops and bushes, hard packed snow that is really closer to ice covers the ground. Inside on the floor are two furry friends curled up so tightly they look like potato bugs under a rock, fast asleep. I think I might join them.

One Year

2009-12-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

December 20th 2008

Quintin Henry
6:31pm
1 pound 1 ounce
12 inches long

and

Speedy Henry
6:36
1 pound 6 ounce
12 inches long

Entered and exited this world after one precious hour.

Who would have thought these little boys would be our first children? Small and helpless we held them and washed them with tears and kisses. My life stopped. I wanted to leave and enter heaven with them. In those moments and days after, I couldn't imagine tomorrow, let alone a whole year later.

Here we are, so full and happy, yet still alone. David and I took two days to spend together, we went to Boise and did some of our favorite things you can only do in the city. Mostly ate good food and shared lots of good lattes. We talked, I cried. We've been through a lot, and yet I honestly without the slightest lie can say it is well.

You can still have beauty and fulfillment inside of pain and uncertainty. We both still share the deepest of desires to be parents. I don't think either of us thought that a year later it would be just us still. It has given us time to talk and dream. Dance and cry, argue and love, meet new friends and learn about ourselves.

Through everything, there is really one very real, unexplainable and undeniable factor. This God we've always be spoken to about, we have felt him. We may have more questions than we've ever had, but one true piece that can't be taken away, it defeats the darkest doubts we may have. Our God is here, He always has been. I also know that when I am weak He is strong. We live in a world where, we should always be strong, in control of our emotions, our health, our finances, and so on. Strong and control are strange words. I believe that in order for God to truly give us the choice to love Him then He has released some of His control. Though He may have less control than we may believe, I don't believe he has less love. This love is greater than our simple minds can even imagine and partnered with His great love is His Spirit. Both we have tasted.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Here we are today...

(David said he didn't have a shirt on because it was warm inside; I have a scarf on because it's cold!)

A succession of many 1st anniversaries

2009-11-30T21:44:00.000-08:00

Starting today and continuing for the next 4 weeks or so, we will celebrate and mourn again, through the one year anniversaries of many big moments for David and I.

Today, last year, we (or rather I) laid on a table with a large belly covered in sonogram jelly watching two little babies on a black and white monitor. I had no idea that every time the technician left the room, she was asking and telling the Dr. her concerns. We found out that our babies were ; Identical, boys, and diagnose with a life threatening condition Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After an hour or so the news was broken to us and shocked I looked at the floor. Having no idea what everything would look like, or what would be next, we were scheduled for a surgery in Seattle for four days later.

The drive home was long and teary. Things like this don't happen to people like us, I thought over and over. We are too young to experience loss, and our family is so big and so loving we need two babies so everyone can have their turn! So many things rushed through our minds.

We had dinner at Loren and Sue's (David's parents) with David's grandparents and my parents. We shared, cried and came up with a game plan. We went home, cried some more, packed our bags, and cried myself to sleep.

Tonight, at the moment, I don't have alot to say. I just cannot believe it has already been a full year since that day.

Tomorrow David and I are headed back to Boise to attend a memorial service put on by St. Lukes for families that have lost babies and children.

Thanks for thinking of us during this time of year. I don't anticipate it to be dark, or bad, just most likely more emotional than last month or the month before. These anniversaries are hard, but also pieces in the healing. So they are welcomed moments, even though they can hold only a few precious moments in a sea full of sadness.

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too beautiful to forget."

Feathers and Eggs

2009-11-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

“All praise to you, Oh Lord, for all these brother and sister creatures.” [St. Francis of Assisi]

A New Day

2009-11-20T22:22:00.000-08:00

"Whatever you can praise God for - will defeat the wedge of discouragement."

Something as simple and as magnificent as a warm home in the cold winter.

A dear sister who will come over and decoupage with me.

Beautiful friends that listen to me with their lives.

Strength and health that allows me work and to run.

The way creatures such as our dogs live in the moment.

My dearest companion that holds me and speaks gently to me on a hard day, the one I call my husband.

For the way doubt only confirms your deepest desire to trust.

And for a new day.

More Disappointment

2009-11-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

Disappointment hurts and it is no fun. Simple enough. I don't like crying either. I look old and puffy and then my contacts get dry and stick to my eyes. Plus all the blowing of my nose make me look like Rudolph.

All that is exhausting, physically and emotionally as well. We waited and waited, I carried my phone around for two hours after 11am yesterday morning. When the phone finally rang at 12:45 I figured we had waited for good news. Within 3 seconds my heart sank, I was strong enough to hear what our social worker had said, then she started crying. Somehow we weren't chosen. It doesn't make sense. Worse it feels like a rejection of us. It never seems to help even if "they liked us" or "thought we were a wonderful family". That just seems like mindless background noise.

Why is it so draining to adopt? Why do they make it sound like there are so many children waiting and waiting to find their families when good families are turned away? Time and time again. Is it a broken system? Are there more families then children? I mean these seem like rhetorical questions. Deep down I know the answers.

Do I want to do this again? How many more times can I invest weeks into calling social workers, foster moms, hearing the little ones on the phone, looking at photos, reading files, filling paper work on why we feel we are the right family, calling Early Intervention, researching books on attachment disorder, reading up on affects of alcohol and drugs in utero. I'm exhausted. I've learned so much, but I want to use what I've learned. I want to give myself to a little one and I want to feel that David and I are good enough to invest in the life of someone else.

I don't want to be that person that never has good news. I feel like for a long time now, I just let people down. We don't have exciting news of new life, but only let down hopes and expired anticipations. I want people to be excited for us without worrying that we are going to get hurt again. I don't want to see my mom cry. I don't want to cry anymore.

Are we stupid for doing this to ourselves? We have good reason, and feel that this is what Christ would do. Wanting a family shouldn't feel like a bad thing either. Are we going to loose the support of our friends and family if they see me upset for a day or two? If we want to keep going, will people understand?

Just a Quick Update

2009-11-17T20:49:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the day! At 9am our committee starts and by noon we will know if we were selected to be the parents of these two little boys! I'm so nervous, and completely okay at the same time. Ok, maybe completely is a small exaggeration, but we know whatever happens will be just right. Even though we REALLY want these guys! Ok, I think you get the picture... so just keep us in your thoughts! I'll let you know after we find out.

Thanks!

Here we go again...

2009-11-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

So, when you think you are planning for life to go a certain way, remember, at a moments notice, all that can change. For example, let me tell you a story.

6 years ago, I was a fairly typical girl in high school. Looking forward to flying the coop, I had been sending away for college applications since my freshman year. Studying abroad was all I could think about.

With a school all picked out 5000 miles from home and an excitement to see the world, I met a boy.

Though I didn't go off to the school I planned on attending, together with the love of my life, I've seen more then I ever dreamed of seeing. I've traveled to more countries, taken more road trips, and taken the photos I thought I'd have to wait a life time to take.

Some days not know what we'd do next, we finished our degree's at Portland State University.
Then we moved "back home". A place that at one point I can remember saying that "I'd never live there". Funny thing when we have to eat our words.

As a young woman, I didn't know the heart-ache that would follow the indescribable excitement of becoming pregnant. A labor and birth that would leave us with aching hearts and empty arms. A year following full of healing and recovery.

Life and her lessons have made us who we are. For that, I don't believe I would change anything.

Now, here we are, working through an adoption process that seems impossible some days. We were selected again last week for two brothers. We don't know when we will go to committee yet. It seems like such a long wait just to hear if we will get selected. Even then, we have to go up against two other families, and the committee chooses one to be the forever family. We have already been here once. Waiting to hear the news. At the decision of a committee, we may or may not have finished our wait. How does one wait for something without it consuming your thoughts? I constantly find myself drifting of to the land of "What IF"...

Okay it is difficult, but we manage. And hey, good things are worth waiting for right? So round two here we come. I can't help but cross my fingers, but I know things are out of our hands. Be anxious for nothing...

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

P.S. Please don't feel bad if you didn't know yet, we've only told our parents. We still don't know enough details to call everyone yet!

Time Flies!

2009-10-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

Time flies when you're having fun! Having fun AND working, right?

Man, I just can't believe it is the end of October already. I have so many things to catch you up on here at the ol' blog.

I've been very, very busy and enjoying everything, but I am getting ready to slow down a bit.

It all began when I;

Started canning
Coaching Cross Country @ the high school
Redecorating my house (or decorating for the first time since we moved a year ago)
Cleaning closets
Taking a painting class
Taking a pottery class
Winterizing my yard
Running Alyssa Henry Photography almost full time
Trying new recipes
AND...barely maintaining a clean house

Need I say more? SO, I apologize once again for my absence...if any of you are left.

I will return once I've had a sound nights sleep and fill you all in on the Happenings of the Henry Home!

XOXOXO

Here is a photo from the warmer days of this summer.

Hold Dear

2009-10-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

A Hand to Hold

2009-10-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we all need a hand to hold. A sister to hug. A story to tell. A meal to share. A laugh to be had. A beach to walk. And a FAMILY to LoVe.

Thanks to all for such a wonderful weekend.

*Note: Grandma, Chanelle and Valerie also spent the weekend with us. I just took my camera on the beach for a morning while they weren't with us. Next time we will make sure everyone is pictured!

Precious little Lydia with our sweet cousin Aimee.

Up before the chickens

2009-09-24T06:11:00.000-07:00

I'm having a very proud moment...I am actually awake before our chickens! Sorry, it is silly I know, but in 6 months they are always up before me, I just wonder how the little ladies do it! (I do have an advantage now that it is still black outside at 6am and not 4am.)

I think it is good for the soul to get up extra early some days, good for the body to sleep in other days! I have lots of work to do, so I got up drove through Coffee Corral, said hi to Kris, very sweet lady, got my coffee, and now time to work!

Here are a few pics for the day....

Currently drinking; Hot Americano, little Irish Cream, and a splash of Half and Half...mmmmmmm.

A few days ago my sister Lianna and her beautiful baby girl, Lydia came to say hello!

After a very long day at the computer, I got a little silly and thought I should document how I was feeling about being up so late, and still editing pictures! Some days I get cranky when I sit, staring at the computer monitor sorting and editing pictures, then other days I just get plain silly!

Have a great day! Thanks for reading!

The Cost to Consider

2009-09-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

*This has been sitting on my browser open for two days now, unpublished. I've been busy, and not sure this whole thing makes any sense. Sorry.

We've been driving through life in the fast lane it seems. The Henry house hold is always on the go, and if we aren't on the go, then I am busy brewing up something around the house. We are trying to eat all the wonderful veggies out of the garden before the frost hits which means lots of good dinners, but alot of time being spent in the kitchen as well. I love cooking, I just don't like to clean up after. I've also been busy, busy with Senior Portraits, but it is just a seasonal thing, so it won't last forever. (Check out www.alyssahenry.blogspot.com if you'd like to see what I've been working on.)

I go back and forth about being so busy. In many ways I don't mind it at all. I'm being productive and active, meeting lots of people. When I go to bed at night I fall asleep very fast. Plus it seems at times to help all the waiting with the adoption process to go quickly. Yet that is just it; we have no idea how long we will be waiting, so how do I know if being busy helps the time pass?

I was feeling pretty discouraged today about the whole adoption process. Sometimes it just feels like we are constantly waiting for something that we have no idea how long it will take. Then it seems exciting when you submit your home-study for a child, and yet sad at the same time because you don't know if you will even be considered. I know I am kind of complaining, I'm processing also. I think the tough part is knowing how many children are waiting and not knowing when we will be matched with our child. The other piece of this roller coaster is that you have to actually imagine yourself parenting the child(ren) that you apply for. So to mentally and emotionally put yourself out there long enough to see it being something you can do, sets you up potentially to be disappointed and discouraged every time you aren't called back.

I was slightly sulking today when I read "But the path ahead still demands walking in trust, risk, and various degrees of darkness. Henceforth, you will remember in the darkness what you once experienced in the light. But the path ahead will always be a necessary mixture of darkness and light." I have to remember this, not only about the adoption process, but about life in general. When things that we "see" for ourselves don't happen in our timing, there is nothing we can do but remember things work out. I don't have major philosophical answers, but really just a small sliver of hope. Faith, not necessarily in knowing I'll get what I want, but a faith that there is purpose in all of this. I'm unsure in what that is, and I'm not even saying everything happens for a reason, but rather, we can find purpose once we've gone through something. "Faith is often clarified and joy-filled hindsight—after we have experienced our experiences"

Anyway I'll stop my ramblings...for now.

I thought I would share a clip that I watched on www.crazyforkids.blogspot.com . It made some of the seemingly endless waiting feel like it is worth something, someday.

The World is Waiting

2009-09-08T10:15:00.001-07:00

"Don't just go through life, grow through life. Don't just be good, be good for something and someone. Goodness heightens beauty. Become who you are, who you were meant to be. Seek out knowledge and experience, the more we see,the more we are capable of seeing. The more we do, the more we are capable of doing.

If you want chance, begin it. If you want love, give it. If you want hope, embody it. Start immediately and do it flamboyantly. Once you've begun, don't turn back. Change and growth can be painful and challenging at times, but as Lauren Bond said, "Every flower has to go through a lot of dirt."

Life is about choices, growth and taking chances. It is about pushing through and moving forward. It is about loving courageously and not holding back. It is about finding a brighter, better way. You owe it to yourself and to the world to make the most out of the stuff that's in you.

Bloom into your incredibly, gloriously, brilliantly beautiful self. The world is waiting. "

I'll admit, I wish I had written this. I borrowed it out of a book my sister had on her coffee table. Though I didn't write it, it spoke into words, feelings I had hiding deep inside of myself. The world is full of sadness, and mediocrity (the condition of being mediocre). This is LIFE! It must be lived to the full, for the health of ourselves and our fellow kind.

I don't believe in a world of confusion and chaos. Though both are present, I believe in an order created by love, a love greater then we allow ourselves to experience most days. It certainly cannot be felt through our actions of pride or blowing our own horn. This love is not present when we demand our own way or when we keep track of all the times that some has offended us or irritated us. There is no trace of this love when we find satisfaction in someone else shortcoming or in their failures, nor is it found when injustice is present. This ordering around love is very foreign to our own self-furthering desires. It is also very absent when we look at the governments around our world, none order themselves around this kind of policy. No wonder our world is full of people only willing to go halfway in life. I believe "half" is easy to live because it only includes ME. A full life would be one that includes the "other" within their life. Does this make sense?

IF we dared to live beyond ourselves, we may get hurt. We might bleed, weep or be misunderstood. But, we might feel. We may experience deep compassion, great joy and even this unexplainable love. "A love that never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
The world is waiting.

-I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Mother Teresa

*Patience

2009-08-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry people, I should know better than to blog after a long day. Thank you for not judging my spelling skills. I have now corrected the spelling error! Read on.

The Journey

2009-08-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

I thought I should post something about how our committee went yesterday. We were not selected for the two children we had applied for. Sad, but okay. I was hoping we would not be devastated if we were not chosen and it is nice to know that life is continuing as it did the day before. Of course we are disappointed, but trust there is a little life out there waiting to meet with ours. *Happy note, two beautiful children got their forever family, and that is what needed to take place.

So, we are back to square one. Waiting.

My dad and I were talking last night while I cut his hair in their backyard, and he said something wise, as usual. It went something like this "patience can stick it", or "patience sucks" something like that. This made us both laugh, since this is coming from a man who has waited almost 2 years to sell his home and finally feel settled. We all know the housing market is tough on anyone looking to sell a home at the moment. Well anyway, patience is a virtue, so I've been told. Not something easy in our fast paced, consumer driven, instant gratification world.

Here are some pictures from the wedding David and I got to enjoy last weekend. Beautiful setting and very loved family! Thanks mom for watching all of our dogs and watering our garden so we could go!

David and I after a long day of taking pictures.

Ashley, Davids cousin, and I.

The view from the reception balcony.

I Almost forgot!!!! HoW COulD I?!?! I am a new auntie to the most beautiful little girl!!!! I was still in San Diego when my sister Lianna gave birth. I could barely stand the text saying "pushing" and the picture texts were wonderful but I was bursting at the seams to get home. Finally, at 9pm we drove our tired little bodies into the hospital parking lot Monday night. I got to hold my one day old niece who is a beautiful blend of both Lianna and Barry. As I'm sure you can imagine, I can't wait to take some photos. Here is one I snapped of the new daddy, before they brought little Lydia Mae home.

Good morning Boise, Reno, San Diego

2009-08-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

Today David and I fly out for a very dear cousins wedding. An extended weekend celebrating the union of man and wife with loved friends and family. I really can't think of a better way to spend the next few days as we wait the verdict of committee on the adoptive children. I have to tell you a very moving story as we wait to board this plane. I had a chance to talk to the foster mother of these two children a few nights ago. The woman is single and in her late fifties. She started foster care when she heard about these two siblings who needed to be reunited. Two years ago she took in these little ones and spends her energy at the pool and riding bikes with these kiddos. When I asked her how she felt about the adoption process, she said it was going to be very hard on her. She said If she was thinking about herself it would be easy, she would adopt them. Putting the children before herself she wants two parents for them and knows that her own age would in time hinder her from caring for them. Even though so much of this process has been about us and now how we have to be careful about our emotions as time gets near. It really hit me how many more people are really invested in these kids. No matter who gets to parent them, recognizing all the people along the way that have helped these little ones is so important .

Later: we are here in San Diego now. Beautiful weather. When I get a chance I'll have to post.a few pictures of David entertaining his cousins kids while we waited 2 hours to rent a car.

Today calls for a post

2009-08-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

I cannot get my laptop to connect to the internet so I am blogging from my desktop in the living room when I'd rather be in bed with my laptop. Long story short, I won't be typing as long since I'm not next to my now sleeping husband.

I was talking to my mom today, it is her birthday, about many things, blogging happen to be one of them. She was my biggest blogging fan, I think I can say that with confidence. She would read as soon as I posted, so it seemed. Now, I have to win her back since I have been so delinquent on posting my thoughts, fears, hopes, and moments of my day. I miss it, and I think she might too. Moms are good for alot of things. So a toast to moms, and a toast to the moments I vow to take and reflect on the good and the not so good.

Moms are also good to talk to if you need to let out some stored tears. Usually their tears fall first, signaling that it is safe for yours to fall as well. I wanted somebody to remember that it was today last year that I found out I was pregnant. I was alone in my bathroom shaking with excitement as I peed on 5 pregnancy tests because I didn't believe the first 4. David and I had just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and I had awaited this pregnancy patiently until the right time came. I was ecstatic. I wrapped up the positive stick in birthday wrap and rushed to my moms work (after I called David of course). I handed her the little blue stick and we both started crying. I was so happy, and so was she. I couldn't think of a better way to spend her birthday. I got butterflies in my stomach all day when I thought about what was growing inside of me. (I'm crying now as I think back to that innocence. In the beginning of this last year I never thought I would experience what we have been through. Crying because of that deep sense of anticipation and excitement now replaced by a very real sense of absence and loss.) So much excitement, and that I wouldn't change.

A year later here we are doing well, very happy and full despite the very big loss. In some ways though, we have gained. Gained insight and understanding to a world of people who have walked this road. We have gained a value and respect of the human life in its frailness. We have gained new friends and people we will never forget. And yes, we gained two beautiful baby boys that we held for so short a night. Their presence though different than most children, I feel it every now and then, and it brings no tears, just a happy and very content smile.

A year later we are still thinking about a family, and what it will look like. Yes most of you know we gained a garden and 6 hens, along with the 4 dogs, but we are still partial to the human kind. I haven't wanted to talk about this on my blog, and maybe that is why I haven't blogged much. It just isn't the same when you don't get to talk to people in person, and the people don't get to hear your thoughts and processes along the way, but it is time to spill and let my blog readers (if I have any left) in on our plans. We have finished the last piece of our adoption process and have been selected for committee next week. Ok! That was really hard to type out. I'm not sure why because most of my readers already know this. For those of you just tuning in, we have processed much and after much thought decided to take our desire for adoption from "someday" to today. We are hoping we get chosen out of the 3 families selected but that is just a hope and we have to be okay with getting denied and moving forward in the next process. Today marks another exciting and unrevealed piece of our future. Since I have spilled the beans on that piece of our journey I can feel more free to write about more of the process.

Lastly a year later, we have been married 5 years now (not to the day, but last week was our anniversary). We enjoyed competing in our first triathlon together in Boise, then spent the rest of the weekend relaxing at our grandparents cabin and a quaint bed and breakfast in downtown. To the man I love more than mashed potatoes and gravy, thank you. Thank you for being my friend when I am really unlovable and rude. Thank you for believing in me when I don't believe in myself. Thank you for carrying me through such tragedy. Thank you for digging and digging and raking and digging with me to put in our beautiful garden and fruit trees. Thank you for getting me out of bed on the hard days. Thank you for laughing with me and even at me when I am silly. Thank you for standing next to me, making me feel like your equal, your partner, your other half. Thank you for holding my hand as we look into our future and learn from our past. To you I wish, I could only make your life half as wonderful as you have made mine. Forever and always.

Blog?

2009-08-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

WoW! Where has all the summer days gone?! I can't believe how caught up I've been in this and that. I have so much to blog about! So, stay tuned and I promise to write very soon!

A Strange Paradox

2009-06-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

"...And to be drawn into that relationship is to surrender to the Father, to receive the Spirit, and to know Jesus. It is giving myself away completely, and receiving back infinitely more than the little that I gave away.

The highest form of self-possession is the capacity to give myself away. It is the highest form of freedom; it is the perfect act of freedom."

Breathe.

The capacity to give myself away.

What does this truly mean? How do I do this in purest form and motive, expecting nothing in return?

Last night I was thinking about something Jesus said "If you want to follow me...you must pick up your cross and follow me." When Jesus said this, the cross had yet to happen. We have the privileged to know the full story but at the time the disciples had not yet witnessed what the cross would ultimately become. Often I've thought of the cross as similar to a burden. Though a burden it would be, it is much more of a mandate. Ever wonder why Jesus didn't say "put your sandals on and follow me" or "sell your home and follow me"? Why did he use a sign of death? "If you want to follow Me, you must deny yourself of the things you think you want." This way of Christ is one much different than the way of our consumer/ME culture.

What does it look like to die and yet live? What a strange paradox.

The capacity to give myself away.

2009-06-05T18:49:00.001-07:00

Here are a few photos from recently...We've been spending time with our dogs out and about. We have also finished our chicken coop (Matt, it has been raining, but I'll see what photos I can get). We've had lots of family in town. So coming soon will be some photos of my sisters graduation, garden, chicken coop, family, dogs and maybe one of David and I.

We are doing well. Staying busy with productive projects and taking time here and there to enjoy some biking and friends. It is strange how quickly time has gone by. I was talking to David last night about this. I've had a few mixed emotions recently about life and our activities. Every once in a while I get hit, (as sudden as a bee sting when you're enjoying a picnic) I'll stop what I'm doing and think, there is no way I'd be doing this right now if the boys would have made it. Then I have a choice to make, choke back the tears and realize I am making the very best of things, or let the tears roll out and still make the best of things. For any of you who have lost little ones, I think you understand what I'm trying to say. There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing, it is just the thought that I'd rather be doing something else, like care after my children. This probably sounds like a bunch of gibberish, but I'm sure someone knows what I'm trying to get at. Those thoughts aren't too often, but they do pop in and out of my mind every now and then.
It feels good to get that out. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to talk about my loss still. I feel like others have already heard it and expect that since I'm happy and living life that I'm done processing. I think for the most part that is just my insecurity, no one has actually made me feel that way. I guess I fear that someone will think, "She's still talking about babies?". So, that's what I've been spinning through the ol mind lately. Well, more than that, but that's all I'm writing about for now.

David and I are going to make sauce pans and play Monkey Ball @ his parents house... Good rainy day activities.

One last thing, I'd like to wish the two love birds in the picture below a very happy 50th wedding anniversary today. Grandma and Grandpa Henry, we love you very much.

2009-06-05T18:48:00.001-07:00

2009-06-05T18:46:00.001-07:00

MIA

2009-06-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting a few things lately and blogging has been one of them. Last week I was super busy, but this week I haven't had internet! Stay tuned, for those of you who are still here! My plan for today is take some photos of our garden and chickens and post them...so check back soon, I have lots to write about.

Diggin' in the Dirt

2009-05-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

Hello-

Not much going on here, just lots of planting and playing in the dirt. I'm staying busy and enjoying the sun.

This last weekend I helped a friend take team photos at a golf tournament that she and her husband put on with support from our community. They do the event in memory of their boy Matthew David Long who died after 7 weeks of life. He was born with Down Syndrome and had a weak heart that required intensive surgery. It was beautiful to be apart of their day that they spend every year raising support for other families that find themselves in similar shoes, but it was beautiful to be in the sun, with 30 golfing teams playing in memory of my friends son. Of course we would never ask, or want the course to have gone this way, but there are days when all seems right.

Thank you Jen and Mike for your beautiful lives, and for opening your hearts to those around you. May God bless you richly.

Mothers Day and Other Things

2009-05-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

Once again I've slacked off with my blogging...When the weather is nice you have to take advantage of it and be outside! I haven't gone far, just to my yard, but I've been spending hours outside working and I'm loving it! Here a few things we've been up to...

A chicken coop for our lovely ladies...

Some gardening and flower beds...

Of course some playing... in the yard

...and at my brothers baseball game.

Have I ever said how much I love dogs?

-Mothers Day-
Sunday we spent the whole day working outside. It was really a therapeutic way to end a hectic week. I think digging in the dirt was also the perfect way to spend my first Mothers Day without our boys. I had lots of time to think to myself and to use up some energy. I will admit that throughout the day some tears did fill my eyes. I'm sure there will always be days throughout the rest of my years that a few tears will find their way to my cheeks. At first I was thinking about how I am a mother without children to nurture; but then I started to think of all the children, local and abroad that have no mother to nurture them. Then a few more tears slipped out. It is overwhelming to think of the orphan in his lonely state. For I know what it is like to be a mother without a child, but never have I been a child without a mother.

One night last week we needed to get out of the neighborhood for some fresh scenery. So we took a drive out to Philips lake and watch the light leave the sky. It was a perect end to the day.

Dear Friends

2009-05-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

My Friends, what a beautiful day. The sun has shown her beauty! At times I can't help but think what a long winter it was, not only for our circumstances, but the weather was also less than lovely.

Today I wanted to post in gratitude to you. I (and we) would not be where we are today if it were not for the gracious love you have showered down upon us. Again and again, over and over you have loved us. Your prayers whispered for us and your hugs given to us, thank you. There is great healing in knowing you have been here with us. I know there are many of you who I haven't had the chance to meet, but thank you for the moments you spent with us in mind. Thank you.

May we learn from you how to comfort one another in need.

A Tale of Two Tiny Twins

2009-05-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today an article came out in the Baker City Herald about our journey through the loss of our boys. (Here's the article if you'd like to read it. http://www.bakercityherald.com/Local-News/A-Tale-of-Two-Tiny-Twins.) At 23 weeks in my pregnancy they were born prematurely because of the development of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. (For more about this disease of the placenta visit tttsfoundation.org) The article was done to correspond with this weekends March for Babies here in Baker City. March for Dimes Foundation works towards research and education to further healthy pregnancies.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

2009-05-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

A photo done by Allen Ansel a NILMDTS photographer
My hands with both boys

"Pregnancy: The state of being with child. [British Medical Dictionary] The beginning of a parent's hopes and dreams. The anticipation of the pitter patter of tiny little feet. A family being born unto each other. No parent ever expects their dream to shatter. But sadly, sometimes this dream can turn into a nightmare.

Each year nearly 3.3 million babies are stillborn, and more than 4 million others die within 28 days of coming into the world. [World Health Organization] With advanced medical technology, it is a parents expectation that those born unto us will out live us. When a baby dies, it is outside the natural order of life and families are left devastated and forever changed.

Every living being instinctually knows how to grieve. It is learning how to heal, that some need help with. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.

Remembrance Photography is a very important step in this healing process. Photographs are one of the most precious and tangible mementos that a parent can have, showing the love and bond that was given and shared with their baby. These portraits will last for generations, and will honor and remember a tiny life that is forever loved and cherished."

I wanted to share this with all of you. I took this off of NILMDTS website. A wonderful photographer, Allen Ansel, came late on call that Saturday night back in December to be an angel to our family as we now have pictures to cherish forever. Be sure and have tissue handy if you check out their website www.nilmdts.com . What a beautiful tribute to all the short precious lives that have touched many.

Recently

2009-04-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Life at the Henry house has been hopping for the last few weeks. I always have to remember to slow down and take some quiet time to reflect and as a college classmate would said "marinate" in what is happening around me. Having lunch today with good friend was the time to remember and remind each other of things we already know, but our lives and duties can, at times, overwhelm the beauty of our journeys. As we both talked about our joys and frustrations of schedules and duties, it was good to hear that what I do on a day to day basis is not the thing that defines me, it is who I am on a day to day basis that truly matters. This reminds me of what Richard Rohr says about pain and what he calls "shadows" in life... He says we all have two choices of how we deal with pain, suffering or hardships; it can either transform us, or we transmit it upon others. I have to remember this not only about the big things in life that I've experienced but also about the small stresses that I so easily transmit upon others.

Through a rabbi - trail - sort- of way... this reminds me of our trip to the monastery that we stayed in while we were in Arizona. For those of you joining this blog more recently, David and I took a trip South about 5 weeks ago and did a short pilgrimage among other things. Though I struggled with some of the concepts and ideals of seclusion and complete simplicity of every entity of their lives, there is much that I still have to learn from the munks. The time they devout to pray and quiet reflection is quite shocking in our loud, busy, rushed, cultural inundated lives. Some days I don't even spend 10 minutes in quiet. This must change. I've been so busy, and though I am getting quite a few things accomplished, I've also gained a bad attitude, or a quick fuse, due to the rushed nature of my days. Nothing major really, but as my teacher friend gives a "refocus" to her disruptive students, it looks like I need to give myself a little "refocus"!

Since I brought up our trip at the monastery, here are a few photos from our time there. They believe in a simplicity and humility in dress, so respecting their desire to keep the monastery a place of self denial and modesty, I'm dressed the way I am in the photo. Again, something I believe we can learn from and respect. There is great freedom, though I would have thought contrary initially, about not thinking about what to wear. There is no need to make any statements, good or bad, with clothing and outward appearance.

April 18th

2009-04-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Its a date that you repeat over and over again, to friends, family and strangers. Especially as the time nears, people will just ask you for the date with no other intention of continuing the conversation. If you've ever been pregnant and start to show your baby bump, you know what I'm talking about. The checker at the grocery store, the barista in the coffee shop, the clerk at the bank, aunts, uncles, friends... "When's your due date?" When you're growing something very precious inside of you, everyone wants to know when it will come out. Then the next thing is everyone with a birthday around that time will make silly requests that you have your baby on their birthday. It's fun, and if it's your first baby, you hope everyone will notice and ask you. It is fun to talk about the little one inside you anytime others want to listen.

This April was exciting for us as my sister turns 18 next week and David's grandpa turned 70 yesterday. The thought of bringing new lives into the world around such happy, meaningful dates brought us joy.

Though today was our expected due date of new life and their lives ended quickly almost four months ago, I can still say I was filled with much joy today. In different ways of course, and if I could change pieces of my last four months, I would; but you know, today was much more beautiful and pain free than I expected.

I didn't expect people to remember the significance of today. I was okay knowing this was my day in my heart and not having it be well known. Last night before I went to bed, I got a note from our cousin saying that she was thinking of me and of tomorrow. Her kindness in remembering brought tears and great comfort knowing their little lives were remembered by someone. Today I never felt sadness, only contentment and the only tears that came were because the kindness of others. David's aunt, Tami had this necklace made for me. It meant so much to me that I think a few tears spilled out.

David's mom also brought me beautiful tulips and a hug. For those of you who sent me messages today also, Thank you. There is strong comfort in the recognition of our loss and to know you empathize with us. We have felt your love in abundance.

Why are words so limiting?

2009-04-15T14:01:00.001-07:00

I knew it would happen sooner or later and I tried to rehears in my head what I would say. Though nothing sounded quite right in my head, it sounded even more strange out loud. It was a question that I thought I wouldn't mind answering. Now I'm not so sure why.

"Do you have children?" he asked. "Uh" was all my brain was saying, but my mouth spurted out that we had lost our twins boys at Christmas time. Then I got the "Oh I am so sorry..." . Regret. I shouldn't have said anything. But then to say nothing would feel like I am denying that I have held two sons in my arms as they breathed their last. This is something I never want to deny or ignore, and yet, do I want to share it with everyone? I don't know...

A New Week, Fresh Rain

2009-04-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very good about writing this last week, as you can see. I have a lot to write about, but I just haven't sat down to empty my brain. Maybe I can get a few words out before I need to head off to work. I've been staying busy working at Mad Matildas Coffee House, and the Food Co-Op this and last week. We also have had two weekends full of family visiting from out of town. It has been really wonderful. I hope you each have had a wonderful Easter weekend.

David and I went to church with his family on Easter morning. On the way to the church we enjoyed the morning air while on our bikes. I felt content. What a feeling we all strive for. We sat down and enjoyed the Easter service. Every now and then my mind drifts off to a place that wonders if the boys would have made it, if I would be doing whatever it is that I am currently doing. Or would we be happy and tired at home feeding and holding our babies. I can't live in this place of "what ifs" but sometimes my mind just goes there on its own. So, Easter morning I went "there" and wondered if all four of us would have made it to church. Aw! Why do I do this to myself!? Obviously this question doesn't even matter, but I'm sure there must be a natural piece to wondering about how life would have been. Especially during the holidays, with loved family and friends all around us. That feeling of contentment was slipping away... I closed my eyes. God, I said under my breath. I don't want to feel the pain right now. I'm okay. The service was coming to a close. At the end a movie started to play and I thought maybe it was a clip of The Christ, or some other classic Easter/Resurrection clip. Then I realized it was a memorial video of loved people that have passed away. I saw Steve Adams name, and though I never knew him, my heart hurt for his children. Aj Noble, another person I never got to meet, but I can't image the pain his parents have gone through. Then I saw two names I never thought I'd see. Quintin and Speedy Henry. How the tears pour out. I can't tell you what it feels like to see your childrens name recognized among the dead. There are no words. Just tears. I also saw Matthew Long, a friends baby boy who died after his 7th week of life. I know there are you who know this pain, and for that, there is some comfort knowing that I am not alone. As David and I were hugged after the service and the tears wouldn't stop. I must have been embarrassed because I was laughing while I was crying. We got on our bikes to head home. As we were riding David said "You know, seeing their names in the memorial made it feel so final. Yet, somewhere inside I could say, It is well with my soul..." I felt it... I was still content.

Michelle, Lianna and Me

Letting Go, not forgetting

2009-04-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

So much of my healing has come through being able to write and share about what David and I have gone through recently. I guess I have found power in telling my story. By power I mean the healing power of community. There is something beautiful in sharing our story and hearing yours. Thank you for reading and thank you for the healing you have given us.

Fewer and fewer tears have been spilling out recently. Though my heart feels the boys often and my arms feel the absence of their bodies, my eyes have gotten a break from the floods of water. Slowly, resolve in being able to release things has brought freedom to hold babies, hold baby clothes and I even went to a baby shower this week.

I always have hated the phrase "letting go". Something about it makes me feel uneasy, almost as if "letting go" is forgetting. I still don't like the words, but I am starting to form the understanding of "letting go".
To me it has meant ;

1. Realizing that my clutch on life was a false one. No matter how tightly I've held things, I really am not the one that has control. Beauty must be found in moments that I am able to experience, not in ownership or possession.

2. No matter how "good" I am, or how hard I've tried or worked, sorrow and suffering are pieces of this life, not punishment for what I've done.

3. Suffering is not necessarily evil, though I understand that many of the things that produce suffering come from evil; violence, hate, war, abuse, etc. But in the middle of our suffering there has been so much love. To go through such pain does not mean that evil is in our midst, quite the contrary.

3. Death. I'm still working on this one. (Sigh) Though it comes much earlier that we are ever ready for, we can't think of it represented by the grim reaper or darkness. Though I don't like it, it should not be feared.

4. This is one thing I know for sure, God is not in the sky.

5. The person I have become in the last few months is different. Though I don't comfort the thought of pain throughout my life, I do not want to lose this sensitivity. I pray that I can see life through these eyes I now have in this moment of loss. (Don't get me wrong, I still get cranky, fussy, and harsh at times, but the lens that I now see things through has changed.)

6. Pictures and memories. Though there is some pain in each, I am seeing so much beauty that I missed. Something that had brought me so much joy and fulfillment suddenly brought pain. Recently a small smile has replaced flooding eyes. Living in the joy again is my journey.

This is my story, this is my song.

Real Quick

2009-04-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

My sister, Chanelle, is visiting from Portland this week. My dad picked her up in his truck to take her for a ride and I thought this picture was so cute. So I wanted to post it.

Spring?

2009-04-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Hello, I haven't posted for a few days since I have a house full of very loved ladies! My Aunt, cousin and sister are all visiting during their spring break. We've been having a great time watching home videos, drinking too much coffee, eating good foods and laughing our heads off. Poor David.

We have added to our family, over night, by six nonetheless! We are now two humans, four dogs and 6 chicks! In about 4 months we will have fresh eggs and a whole lot of chicken manure for our garden! (I just realized I used an exclamation mark for the last three sentences, can you tell I'm excited?)

Here are some photos of the new fam as well as our developing garden boxes. It isn't quite warm enough to start planting, but I have the seedlings in the garage staying toasty until Spring hits the valley.

This is what our little ladies came home in

We have 2 Rhode Island Reds

2 cute Barred Rocks

This little gal is a Black Australorp

The backyard in progress

The novice at work

Someday...

One of my very enjoyable jobs...

2009-03-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

Since I know I have a few more readers for this blog than my photography blog, I thought I'd include you (Bakerites) in the invite to this Friday's art walk. I'll be at Mad Matilda's this Friday, April 3rd, from 6-8pm. I'd love to see you there!

Safely At Home

2009-03-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick post to say we are home. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, and though we are tired (because we drove through the night) we have a refreshed spirit about us. I'll have to tell you more about the trip later.

For now here are a few pictures from visiting with my Aunt Anna, Uncle Clint and little cousin Jonas. Thanks for your hospitality, and for all the wonderful juices! You spoiled us!

Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

2009-03-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

It has been three months today from our most unwanted day back in December. Looking back, it is crazy that this much time has gone by already. Back in December every day felt like an eternity. At times I couldn't even think of tomorrow. Before we left the hospital in Boise, our doctor sat next to my bed and held my hand while he said "Time will heal much better than words." These words have been a piece of my hope. Knowing that I must go on to heal hasn't been easy, but it has been better than staying in my bed.

To be quite candid, I haven't let go of many things. I know nothing will change, but maybe at times I haven't admitted that I won't have them back. Sorry if this seems silly, but it was a realization I made a few days ago, when tears overwhelmed my eyes and I had a hard time talking with David about it being over. David and I have been attending a conference here in Albuquerque, NM and tonight seemed like a break through point for me. I'll see if I can explain. Tonight Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, shared some thoughts that tasted very good to my soul. He talked about suffering in our lives and how often that suffering comes to us by the death of a loved one. As natural, we want to blame and have reasons for the loss experienced, and yet often there can be no explanation. Now obviously, just stating that there aren't answers wasn't what I found peace with. It was the idea he presented that there are many things we don't understand, yet we can find peace and stillness in these mysteries. The comfort is in this, God is here. I am His and so are my boys. Though there is much pain in this, it can also be beautiful. Richard Rohr teaches the beauty of tension, knowing God and yet being surrounded by such mystery; being able to see beauty in such pain. Though it seems hard to understand how you can have both or believe in such paradoxes, we accept that Jesus, while on earth, was fully human and yet fully God. I'm not sure if I am making much sense, probably not since I should have retired this mind of mine a few hours ago.

We also sang a song that I had never heard before but it was beautiful and perfect to lay my burdens down.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me,
Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treach’rous shoal;
Chart and compass came from Thee:
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boist’rous waves obey Thy will
When Thou say’st to them, “Be still!”
Wondrous Sov’reign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
’Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Thy breast,
May I hear Thee say to me,
“Fear not, I will pilot thee.”

Thanks for reading.

Wish You Were Here...

2009-03-19T10:56:00.001-07:00

Hello! We are enjoying ourselves here in Moab, Utah. David and I got up before the sun and went into Arches National Park to see the sun hit the rocks. Beautiful!!! Here are some photos...keep in mind we slept in the car so please, excuse our hairdos.

Sunrise in Arches

Delicate Arch behind us

Just Some Thoughts

2009-03-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very good about writing these last few days. My mind has been much more still recently, which has provided some restful sleep.

David and I are leaving for our road trip this Wednesday and are really looking forward to the time away together. While we are gone, our 3 month mark along with my "scheduled" due date will come and pass. After these dates, I will only have one last due date in April to come. (With many twins, and in my case, I had a scheduled c-section at 37 weeks, therefore creating two due dates.) Though I've never been someone to wish time to hurry and pass, it will be nice once there are no more dates to come.

While we are gone we will be visiting Arches National Park and Sedona. We are also planning on attending a conference with a few of our favorite authors and visiting a much loved aunt, uncle and little cousin in Phoenix. We plan on visiting a monastery while doing a short pilgrimage. New scenery and landscape, along with the spiritual experiences and enrichment are much awaited.

On another note, I want to express how wonderful St. Luke's and all their medical professionals have been during and after our loss. I have never received such compassionate and tender care from any other nurses. I received a card in the mail with notes from four of my nurses just this weekend. They remembered our boy's names and sent their thoughts our way. It brought tears and comfort to me as I read their words. I could never fully be able to express our gratitude for the care and compassion we received from that hospital.

On yet another note, is anyone else ready for Spring?!

Looking forward to Spring

2009-03-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

There seems to often be a tension between feeling sad and feeling like I want to move forward. This may or may not make any sense. It is like part of me just wants to sit and cry and think about how much I want to hold my babies. Then, other parts of me want to smile and enjoy life, not forgetting, but taking deep breaths and moving forward with life. I'm guessing it is okay to do both for now. Friday was a big step for me. I cleaned the babies' room. Huge warm tears rolled down my face as I took down the cradle. I folded the blankets and crib sets, put them back in boxes and placed them on the top shelf in the closet. Everything was so backwards! Instead of setting everything up, getting ready, it was time to put it away. I wasn't really sure when the time would come, but something came over me Friday with the warm sun and birds chirping. Almost as if Spring was really coming after all.

It has been a long winter here at the Henry Home. I'm ready for warmth, sunshine and new life. Today three little birds visited my front porch, they brought a smile to my face.

I thought I should put a small disclaimer here for all of you who read this blog; I am doing good, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I know I often write about heavy and sad issues, but please don't think I am living in only those thoughts. I write about them more often because they are the thoughts that need to get out of my head and be sorted out. I am hoping as more time passes these conflicting and sad thoughts will lessen and I will have much more to write about. Until then, thanks for reading my story.

Sometimes I Feel Looney

2009-03-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

I feel on a whole, that I am healing at a good and appropriate pace. Though there is no real guideline and every person responds differently during the healing process. I'll admit that there is no real way to measure how I'm doing, besides being honest with how I feel each day and working on making positive strides for my future.

I've been doing a few things recently that I've never done and have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of. Well almost every minute of a workout class at the Y. It's fun to get out in the morning and feel your muscles ache, at least I enjoy it! I've met some new people and I can lift a gallon of milk again! (Three weeks of bed rest really did me in quick.)

I have spent a few days out at North Powder Elementary school helping with math in the 3 and 5th grade classes. This I've enjoyed every minute of! I'm going back tomorrow and can't wait.

David and I are taking a road trip in a few weeks. Not necessarily in memory of the boys per say, but in a sense a trip we feel will be spiritually refreshing and will provide some new scenery. We didn't exchange gifts at Christmas and haven't spent anytime out of Baker together for several months. We are both excited about hitting the road for a while.

In the midst of making some positive strides, there can also be some hard days, and even random hard hours inside of good days. I've found huge lumps in my throat as well as huge warm tears brimming at my eyes with no notice. More tears than I would like. I wasn't surprised, mostly disappointed that the tears come so often when I feel like I've been doing so well. I found this to be an interesting take on crying and tears; "Scientists have discovered that the emotional tears contain higher levels of manganese and the hormone prolactin, and this contributes in a reduction of both of these in the body; thus helping to keep depression away. Many people have found that crying actually calms them after being upset, and this is in part due to the chemicals and hormones that are released in the tears."

This made me feel okay about those crocodile tears making the way down my face.

But why am I laughing and crying, sometimes at the same time? I am loosing it? Am I going crazy?

"We need both laughter and tears to help us function. Crying relieves stress, reduces hormone and chemical levels in the body, and helps us return to a calm state. Laughter relieves stress, stimulates healing, exercises certain parts of the body, and helps in human bonding. That is why crying and laughing are beneficial to us both emotionally and physically."

This made me feel a little better about myself...at least both are healthy and a piece of my healing. Also I've never been a touchy feely sort of person, but I've found hugs to be something that I love from people! So if you see me around, don't hesitate!

The mystery I live in

2009-02-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I have had so many thoughts running through my mind lately that it's exhausting! I've been wanting to write them down but I feel like they all run together and I'm having trouble sorting them in my head alone on paper. David and I had coffee yesterday and he let me regurgitate my thoughts to him and that helped some.

So often I feel okay and then out of no where a sadness will come over me like a rainy cloud. I wasn't bothered so much by other women who were pregnant or had babies, but now it all seems painful. Not that I can't separate myself from them, it's more like a reminder of what would have been coming in a few weeks.

Another piece that I've been wrestling with is the balance between meaning and lack of meaning. At first when I came home from the hospital, the best way for me to think of what happened was that it's just life. Void of any supernatural or spiritual meaning or purpose. I feel like that was my reaction to growing up in the Christian faith, that says everything has a purpose or God has a plan. The way I saw it, was if losing the boys had a purpose or it was God's plan, then he (God) made it happen. If this was the case then I didn't really want to know this God. Though I am still not saying that it had to happen this way. Or that as some have told me, "God didn't want you to have your boys", which I just can't believe; somewhere there is meaning in some of it. I honestly don't know if it happened for a reason, or if there is meaning in its happening or if things just happen for no reason, or if nothing happens without a reason! I have no idea, but I'm still wrestling through this. I guess I grew up with one extreme of everything happens for a reason then I went to the other extreme recently that there was no reason this happened. Don't get me wrong I want there to be meaning in my loss, but I am uncomfortable at times with how that can be expressed through this whole conversation of God and his "plan". I'm not saying it did or didn't happen for a reason, but as things move and time comes, I begin to see things I never would have seen, and for this I am wondering if there is a reason.

Dates, dates and more dates

2009-02-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

They warned me from the day I left the hospital. I've read about it from others. You just don't know what it will feel like until it happens. Those days come, and they go and I'm still okay but they are painful. Today is the 2 month mark from the day I delivered the boys. Last Saturday, Valentines day was our "big goal". If we could make it to Feb. 14, 30 weeks, our boys would have had a fighting chance. Though time has been the greatest source of healing, it can be those days that provide healing that also hold a sense of emptiness. I've been told to be aware of feelings of sadness that may come as my due day comes near. I just didn't realize that all the dates that should have had a happy meaning, would hold the opposite. (Sigh) It's just been a rough day.

On a happier note, I've healed physically enough that I hit the slopes yesterday with my brother Trevor. We had a good time together on the mountain snowboarding...I'll post some photos from our trip soon.

Share The Road...

2009-02-18T17:26:00.000-08:00

Last night David and I were driving on I-84 and a semi truck was passing us at a rather fast speed. Though not often, the highway was slightly crowded and David quietly under his breath, said "Share the road buddy." Him saying that reminded me of what our license plates look like. This specific use of the saying is a reminder to share the same road we drive our cars on with bicyclist and pedestrians. Often times we become too comfortable in our mode of transportation, usually driving, that we forget to be courteous to others using the same road. I've caught myself before, driving in a near "auto pilot" mode that when something unexpected comes my way, it can be a hindrance in my journey in no time at all.

Do you catch where I'm going with this idea?

Often we travel through life outside of our cars with the same mentality. We become so comfortable with our own ways of life that we don't recognize all those around us traveling the same journey just in different modes. This can cause segregation and division if we aren't careful to share the road. It may seem like a silly analogy, but I've found when we aren't considerate of those we journey this life with, we can miss huge opportunities for growth and friendship. Even if their style of travel looks different than mine.

I haven't written in a while and I am happy to say that I've been busy. I still want to take the time to sit and reflect on life and this journey of healing, but it has been nice to have a schedule again nonetheless.

In the past few weeks I've had coffee and conversation, or just conversation with those who live too far away for coffee, with a few people who have also walked this path of losing a baby (or babies). To you, thank you for sharing your stories and sharing tears. Though our stories don't look the same on every form their are so many similarities. Thank you for telling your story and listening to mine.

Our Story

2009-02-08T17:09:00.001-08:00

This week a woman that I work with at the Baker Food Co-op, told me that her friend had also lost twin girls to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Her friend, Tracey has been so kind in sending emails with pictures and pieces of their story. I wrote her an email this weekend about our journey with the boys and our battle with TTTS. I thought I would post it here for anyone joining this blog without the background of what went wrong. It's long so only read what you want!

For David and I it was our first experience of pregnancy. I found I was pregnant a few weeks after our 4th wedding anniversary. We were stoked! I was in finals week, finishing my bachelors degree, David had just gotten a job and we had bought our first house. There was so much excitement!

We live in a rural community and I was nervous about this since we had just moved from Portland and I was already missing the larger city amenities such as health care. I made an appointment and was told that we would only have one ultra sound and it would be at 22 weeks. I was okay with this but being so new to being pregnant and so excited I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to see our little one sooner or more often. My husband and I had one appointment then we went off to Europe for a month. I grew out of all my clothes during our one month trip and was surprised. I didn't think I would even notice a little bump for several months. At 14 weeks we returned home and I was growing fast! My doctor thought things looked okay. I even joked about the Doppler he did, asking if he was sure that there was only one heart beat cause I thought my belly was big. He said only one heart beat. We went to Portland to see some friends and saw a girl who was about a month further along than I was and she still had a flat belly, I looked about 5 or 6 months pregnant at about 16 wks along. People were teasing me about having twins and I never once really thought it was possible. Two weeks later I was getting nervous about things not being normal. I was sure that I had an infection or was farther along. I called the DR and they said I was probably okay but they would let me have my ultra sound early. The night before my ultra sound I felt the baby kick, even David felt him. We were so surprised! I knew at that point I was much farther along and that would explain the size of my belly. We were floored to find two babies inside the next day! We laughed and laughed all the way home from the doctors office...all day we just couldn't believe it. They looked healthy and we felt so blessed to be parents of two at once! We had our apt with our DR since he didn't do the ultrasound and he told us there were two placentas and that was good since things like TTTS can happen when there is only one placenta. I had read about TTTS during the few days between my ultrasound and DR apt and was relieved that this wasn't something we would have to worry about. Since we live in a rural location we were referred to a specialist 2 hours away for the following week.

We went to the appointment the next week to hear our worst nightmare. There was only one placenta and we were in the early stages of TTTS. How could this be...last week we were told that we wouldn't have to worry about TTTS specifically! We were again shocked. We were referred to DR Walker in Seattle for the laser surgery that week. We drove home and I cried the whole 2 hours. We had dinner with both our parents and devised a plan for the next day. We took off with my mom and the three of us made the 8 hour drive to Seattle. I was seen Wednesday morning and the surgery was scheduled for Friday morning. I was so nervous but we were so hopeful. I'm sure you know but we were told that 90% of the time one baby makes it and 70% both babies. Surely we thought the numbers could be in our favor this time. The surgery went well and after the long night of waiting to see if the boys made it through the night we could breath again when we saw two heart beats. During the surgery I was awake and David held my hand. We saw both boys by camera, I had met my children in the operating room and at that point I had never wanted anything so badly in my life. I pleaded with God, I knew these precious boys would have such a story to tell when they grew up. I wanted to have the honor of being their mother. Please God, please.

I was on bed rest just to recover from the procedure and would then continue weekly appointments with our specialist. They had drained a liter and a half during the process and my back pain wasn't so sever. I started eating as much protein as I could and I was pleased with myself every time I met the 176grams at the end of the day. I was gaining proper weight and was thinking positive about bed rest. Our first appointment after the surgery went okay. There wasn't much progress with the boys but nothing negative either. Their fluid levels had evened out, but the stress that their hearts were under hadn't improved. We thought we just needed some more time. My cervix had lost about 1 cm and was "beaking" . They didn't seem too concerned so I stayed on bed rest and continued with the diet. I had a couple of nights that the contractions had gotten alittle rough so I took the proper amount of terbutaline they recommended. It was time for our 2nd week apt and we felt good about things. The boy's condition looked slightly worse but we didn't understand what it all meant. Then they checked my cervix, it was gone and starting to open. I was starting early term labor and was once again shocked. Due to the intrusion to the uterus along with the dimming condition of the boys my body was doing what was only normal when things aren't healthy. We were admitted to the hospital to see what they could do. 24 hours after being on the highest does of terbutaline and some other muscle relaxant, the contractions continued. We started to realize the dimness of our situation. The next morning I was wheeled to labor and delivery and after 13 hours Quintin was born. He was laid on my chest alive but not moving. The tears started. Five minuets later Speedy was born. There on my broken heart they lay, both boys alive, but only for a short time. Speedy was making some noises and moving his arms and legs. He was the recipient baby, and his heart was very enlarged. He grabbed Davids finger and held on. We wept.

We spent the hour of their short lives with both our parents and two of my sisters and one brother in-law. At times it was overwhelming and we would ask them to leave our room periodically throughout the day, but I am so thankful they were there. It’s been seven weeks now and I feel that I am healing. The pain of coming home empty handed has been a journey. I still haven’t put the baby things away, but they are at least all in the bedroom we were setting up as the nursery.

Lessons taugh by example

2009-02-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

This weekend three friends from Portland took the time and energy to come to Baker and visit David and I. I meant alot that they would drive 5 hours to stay one day with us. Many times out of good intention we tell people that we are going to visit them, or that we wish we could spend time together. Well these girls showed me the importance of giving, and being on the recipient side, it was so wonderful. I don't ever want to forget how much it meant to have them here to share, laugh and cry. I feel like I was taught something important as well, I want to be there for others when they need a friend. I think about times friends have been through rough patches and I always count on someone else, someone closer, to take care of them. Thanks Jenn, Liz and Kaitlin for being such wonderful friends, and showing me how to care for others. Kaitlin, Greyson is perfect!

Jenn's kids sent a little care package with their mom for me. Her two kids wanted to send me a gift. Along with the gifts of lip gloss, a candle and a beautiful necklace, they had made cards. Her son wrote the card here. The honesty and sincerity of a child are beautiful. I was so touched by his card and his sense of loss. I think of all the people that I am sure wanted to meet my boys, and yet only a child has told me. As adults we lose the sense of freedom to speak honestly, we carefully calculate how we speak and how it will be received (which is usually good). In a strange way, knowing that he felt loss as well as I did was powerful and healing in itself. Though I don't want to be a child again, I do feel that there are some lessons they are much better at teaching.

Going Back

2009-02-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, way too late to have many thoughts that are of any use at such a late hour. David is playing a song on his laptop that brought me back a few years to when we were dating. He was living in Seattle, I in Winlock. He burned me a CD that I listened to constantly, partly because I liked the music, mostly because I was totally in love with the boy who gave me the music. A small smile made its way to my face. It brought me back to the days we spend our last waking moments of the day talking on the phone, dreaming of the day that we would be together, forever. His voice would make me fall even more in love, neither of us would want to hang up. We were hopelessly in love and no one could convince us of anything else. It's funny how a simple song can bring your mind and thoughts back to a different time.

Tonight as I sat bored during the 2nd quarter of the Superbowl game, my sleepy eyes and wondering mind woke up as the announcer said "speedy". I didn't catch the whole sentence, nor was I really paying attention as I laid on the floor in a blanket, but the minute I heard "speedy" my mind became alert again. I was brought back to a short moment of my life that I had with my boys. This is how it will be. Out of nowhere, words, images, thoughts, songs, ect. they will evoke emotion and memories. I will carry them with me always, more than I realized. I think it may be too late to make anything more of this realization. I'm tired and should rest this tired little head on her pillow and call it a day. It was a good one. I love you Quintin and Speedy, I always will.

For Today...

2009-01-30T13:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking alot about the things I wrote in my last blog entry. Mostly about how life can seem unfair and the unanswerable "why" that we continue to ask. You know, there are alot of people that ask those questions about many different circumstances that come their way. I'm sure each person reading this has had some unfortunate event happen to them or their loved ones.

I guess I've also been thinking about those too innocent to even wonder why something is happening. Maybe those to naive to a standard of living we all experience to have know any different. Not that I believe that people around the world should want what Americans experience as daily luxuries, on the contrary. I'm talking about simple things, clean water, shelter, and nutritional food. In our own hardships and suffering we must remember those who struggle also. For many times their struggle is for life it self.

WHY

2009-01-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

This journey of tomorrow, of moving forward, doesn't come without what feels like unexpected U-turns. When you think you've passed through this place before, you find yourself back in all too familiar surroundings. I thought for sure I had already passed through the hills, the ups and downs of my question of "WHY!?" I was making our bed this morning and enjoying my quiet time with the sun pouring through our window. Out of nowhere a rush of tears and unexpected "Why" clouded my heart and my mind. "This isn't fair" I thought, "I would have been so good to them. Why was it that my only time with them in my arms was during their transition from life to death? Shouldn't a mother have more time with her children?"

C.S. Lewis said the following after the death of his wife, "Grief is like a long and winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape...Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences but the sequence doesn't repeat."

As some of the initial tears have dried, I re-read something a wise man named Richard Rohr wrote on grief. "There is no one to blame, there is no one to hate. Although we’ll try in the early stages of grief and suffering, but if you let it keep teaching you, it keeps expanding you and expanding you to the great compassion, where it is not you who understands but you are standing under the mystery. You will be willing to live with hope, which means without total resolution, without perfect closure."

Mourn With Me

2009-01-27T21:24:00.000-08:00

A few days after David and I returned home from the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts, David shared this story with me.

"The story tells of a mother whose baby dies. She is so distraught that she carries the dead body strapped to her chest and travels around attempting to find someone who would be able to breathe life back into her beloved infants body.

Eventually she finds a holy man who says that he can help her, but only if she can bring to him a handful of mustard seeds from a home whose inhabitants have not suffered the loss of someone they love.

The woman begins to search but is unable to find any home that has not been marked by the dark shadow of death and loss. Yet, in her futile search something truly amazing happens. For as she hears the various stories of these different people she slowly begins to come to terms with the death of her own child. After a little time she is finally able to let go and bury her infant in the soil of the Earth."

Contrary to what may come natural, giving a word of advice or trying to find the right thing to say, isn't what comforts someone grieving. I have found the arms that aren't afraid of my tears, and the eyes that cry with me to be some of my most safe and comfortable places. Sometimes we need to hear the stories of those who have also walked through the valley of death and dying.

I have found that through the stories of suffering and loss there is also peace. Though it will never make the "unfair", fair again, or answer the deep questions of why, I can find solidarity with others traveling this life. As I open my heart and ears to those around me, I am constantly shown there are many lives that know grief all too well. Grieving is a much lengthier process that I would have imagined. Though warm tears still soothe me to sleep, I am feeling more like myself again.

This photo is from my trip to Wisconsin to see my friend Jodi. Thanks for all the hugs, shared laughs and tears and tell your mom thanks for sharing her Dove chocolates!